The Fucking Bug Guy

Out of the twenty-some big, black carpenter ants that I sprayed with RAID on my deck railing, every one of them took a thirteen foot nosedive into the yard, as if the impact of the fall would swiftly end their chemically induced pain. Not one single ant gave up and simply died on the railing, nor did one take the short four foot fall to the deck floor. Every single one went for the cold, hard ground from whenst it came.

As I stood on my deck pondering the trivial statistic of which way the ant falls, I realized that I shouldn’t even be entertaining these thoughts in the first place; nor should I even have to own a can of RAID.  I have a fucking bug guy.

Considering the fact that I pay an insect and pest solution company thirty-some odd bucks a month to keep the wretched, lower life forms of the planet away from my hut, I decided to exercise my right to acquire some customer service. Thus, I called the bug company and told them of the bug issues that I shouldn’t be having. The lady who answered the phone kept putting me on hold, until she finally had some substantial information to offer me. She said she had been trying to get hold of the “Field Tech” who has the route that I am on, but can’t get through to his cell. She then apologizes and offers me the cell number of said field tech and tells me that I can call him directly to set something up.

I punched in the phone number and the conversation ensued as follows:

Louis: Dis’s Louis.

Me: Hey Louis, this is (So and So) at (such and such address), and I was wondering if you could stop by today and remedy some bug problems I have going on.

Louis: What kinda problems you got?

Me: Ants, man; big carpenter ants. They are organizing a home invasion, and my perimeter doesn’t seem to be secure.

Louis: Your what?

Me: My perim… nevermind.  I have ants taking over my deck and I don’t want them getting in the house. Oh yeah, I also have carpenter bees drilling holes into my house as well.

Louis: Carpen’r bees?

Me: Yeah. Black and fuzzy bees that burrow through wood.  They want in.  I want them dead.

Louis: Huh... Aight. How about I stop by Next Wednesday?

Me: But that’s a week from today; I need you guys out here ASAP, man. These carpenter bees are getting in the wood framing, and then the woodpeckers come bright and early and kick the crap out of my house trying to get to the bees. Then the small hole the bee makes turns into a long gouge, and I get to hear all this take place before I am supposed to even be up in the morning. It kind of sucks.

Louis: Woodpeckers?

Me: Yeah, woodpeckers.

Louis: Our service don’t cover woodpeckers. Thas’a bird, right?

Me: Yes, it’s a bird. Dude, I’m not asking you to kill any woodpec…forget it. Look, can you come out here today or tomorrow and spray my house and kill these things? I’m being taken over.

Louis: I feel ya’, but I gots all kinds of rounds to make. It’s springtime and I get a lot’a calls.

Me: Well maybe if… Alright, look… I got carpenter ants, I got carpenter bees, I got every damn carpenter knocking on my door except Jesus Christ himself, and to be honest, I ain’t ready to meet the cat just yet. So can you please come over sooner than a week from now and get rid of the god damned bugs that I pay you guys to keep at bay in the first place?

(Long pause)

Louis: Aight, Aight…I can be there by six o’clock…see you then. (Muffled voice before phone actually hangs up) Crazy white motha’ fuh…

Louis shows up at 6:20pm and sprays the house with lightning speed. He finishes, comes to the door and says, “Ya’all set… and by the way…your monthly bill is due in a couple’a days. Do you want me to take it now?”. I smiled and said “Sure…let me go write out the check.”. I wrote a check for the appropriate amount, and then signed it, “Crazy White Motherfucker”. I then handed the check to my buddy Louis, said “Thanks”, and closed the door.

I heard the engine on Louis’ bug mobile turn over, but was then turned off again before the first rev. Is Louis coming back…did he forget something? Maybe he wants to offer me a coupon?

I looked out of the window that borders my front door, and here comes Louis; Huh…he looks kind of irritated. I open the door before he gets a chance to knock, and asked “Hey man, whatcha need?”  The conversation was as follows:

Louis: Yo…Uhhh…what’s up this shit, man?

Me: What’s up with what shit?

Louis: Why’d you sign this check like‘at?

Me: Like what?

Louis: You know like what.

Me: What’s wrong with how I signed it?

Louis: Man come on…that’s some messed up shit right here.

Me: Well, how’s it signed?

(Louis looks at the check, then looks at me with a sarcastic stare.)

Me: What, you don’t want to say it twice?

Louis: Say what?

Me: Crazy white motherfucker.

Louis: Why the hell would I say dat?

Me: That is the exact same question I was asking after I heard you say it before your phone hung up.

Louis: Man, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.

Me: I’ll tell you what; you can apologize to me for what you “don’t know what I am talking about” and I’ll give you a check signed with my name, or I can call the bug company and tell them that I gave you a check for this month’s service, and you can explain why it’s signed “Crazy White Motherfucker”.

(Louis looks to the ground; maybe he sees an ant. Then looks back at me)

Louis: Aight man, sorry…that was uncool. I just got a bad day goin’ on…No disrespect, man. We cool?

Me: Yeah Louis, we’re cool.

So I gave Louis another check and told him to have a great day. He got in his bug mobile and shot out of my driveway like a rocket. I shrugged and headed back out onto the deck for a much needed toke. After the first smoke ridden exhale, I realized I now had nothing to do; there wasn’t a god damned ant to be found… fucking bug guy.

by

VooDoo