The Crabby Day From Hell Continues

Part 2 of the Crabby Chronicles

….. So here we are, Mr. Foreman and I covered in a mess of oil. I wipe the shit from my face, thinking he's gonna actually harm me very badly…..

Mr.  Foreman is using his wife beater to clean his face off, his big gut hangin' out….. My jeans and shirt are coated in oil, I just plain feel nasty and icky.....

Mr. Foreman places his meaty paws on the handle bar and drags the carcass of the metal beast up into the trailer, not really yelling at me, but mumbling (which scared me even more)..... I pick up the chunks that the beast spewed out; a gear here, a shredded piece of plating there….. It's lucky that neither one of us got hit by the debris…..

I throw the chunks in the trash can, and watch as Mr. Foreman drags out another trash can, very large - seems like a 55 gallon drum size, and a pair of gloves….. He slaps the gloves into my hands and orders me to don them, and then I get possession of the trash can with instructions to fill it up all the way with the hedge trimmings, trash, any weeds and branches..... basically anything on the ground that didn't belong there............

I am quite happy with this job, I can't possibly have any problems operating a trash can, so I go off and start picking up lots and lots and lots of trash, while Mr. Foreman goes off to his riding lawn mower........

I scour the whole complex, picking up anything I could find to fill the can..... No drama during this portion but it's starting to get really hot now, I would say near 100 degrees or so, and quite humid…..

I finally I got it full and drag it back to the trailer. I am just beat….. It's now around noon and all the veterans, Newbie and Mr. Foreman stop to get a cool drink from the water cooler….. It's time to get lunch.......... One of the veterans is selected to drive to McDonald's and I was chosen to accompany him, I guess Mr. Foreman really didn't want to see my face anymore, so I gladly hop in the passenger seat and the veteran takes command of the wheel.....

..... Mr. Foreman unhitches the trailer, and off we go…..

Now, I am quite skeptical that this veteran is even old enuff to posses a driver's license, but I don't question him on it, but he looks no more than 14 years old, short and really really skinny….. I just hang my face out the window like a dog and let the hot breeze cool my sweaty face down…..

We make it to McDonald's Drive Thru without any problems, and Skinny Vet has his list and everyone's cash to purchase some lunch….. My ass has been poor for a while so I’ve only got change in my pocket, just enuff for one of those small sundaes, but it's nice and cold….. We get the order and I have to hold all of it….. I hate those fuckin' drink racks, two of them, and I am nervous about spillin' the whole mess…..

We take off and Skinny Vet is scaring me with his driving skills. Seems he likes to zigzag in and out of traffic, and as we near the job site we need to make a left at the light…..

As luck would have it, there is an island with a 4 or 5" high curb separating the opposing lanes, and the front wheels clear nicely but the back wheels are doolies and stick out farther….. So we hit the curb with the outer most left back tire and it launches the back end of the truck up with a huge jolt….. I have all these drinks in my lap but somehow manage to do my best balancing act ever and save all the drinks.

Skinny Vet just looks over and giggles fiendishly….. My heart is racing cuz I don't have cash to replace the drinks…..

We make it back to the site, and take a 1/2 hour break for lunch….. I savor every bit of my ice cream like it was my last meal…... Never tasted anything so good in my life…..

Lunch is done, Mr. Foreman hands me the trash can again, empty, and I have to fill it up again..........

I go do my job without any tragic events, on my hands and knees pulling weeds from around the shrubbery. Some reason I remember that the most I get it is half full, but I have now cleaned the whole complex. I get back to the trailer and then walk over to Mr. Foreman for my next job….. He gets off his riding mower and mosies on over to the trailer with me in tow…..

….. He retrieves a weird looking device I have never used before, a blower that straps to your back like a jet pack….. It works like a vacuum in reverse and is very crude looking. A metal tubular frame to hold the engine, a plastic gas tank (not sure how much it held) and a plastic tube with a nozzle to point the blasting air…..

I load this on my back and it's a little heavier than I thought it would be. The straps over the shoulders are thin nylon about 1 1/2" wide and they dig right into my shoulders….. Maybe it also had a belt across the front, don't recall tho’.....

I forget how I started it, but it kicks on no problem and I was shown with a pointed finger where to go blow..... I have my own area to do, and the vets and Newbie have their own section......

This is fun to me….. I never got to use one of these before….. But after a half hour or so the shoulder straps start to slowly rub away the skin under my shirt, the straps are very thin, but I just want to get this day over with and do my job so I go on…..

I blow all the cut grass out of the parking lot and the side walks and any place where you could see cut grass….. This takes about two hours and two tanks of gas and I have no problems..... but I was a tired puppy….. My shoulders are very very raw from the straps diggin’ in, but I don't dare complaining…..

Now the whole crew is done and back at the trailer and I let out a huge sigh of relief….. We are finally done, it's about 5 in the afternoon, we worked about 9 hours or so.......

..... The trailer is packed back up, we all load up in the truck and I sit in the back, far away from Mr. Foreman. He steers the truck slowly thru the complex and I settle in for a two hour drive home….. Just as I tilt my head back and close my eyes the truck is stopped abruptly….. Mr. Foreman had jammed on the breaks.........

He's looking to his right, thru the open passenger window and is spying something….. He looks back at me and I open my eyes up wide at him with a "what?!!" expression......

He says, very meanly, "You're not done!!" and points over to a patch of side walk….. I look out my window and there is about 4 foot of side walk that I missed while blowing all the cut grass around.....

He opens his door and orders me out...... I can't FUCKING BELIEVE this guy…... I get out, he opens the trailer back up and gets my jet pack out, straps it one me, starts it up and I go over and blow the missed clippings away in about four seconds..... I am not pleased in the least….. He did this out of spite and the vets are in the truck, just rolling with laughter. I feel like such a piece of shit right now, I had never been so humiliated in all my life..........

The jet pack is put back in the trailer and Mr. Foreman tells the vet in the front passenger seat to sit in my spot in the back so I could ride up front with King Of The Assholes….. I am so honored…..

Well, we take off and I just sit there quite as a mouse while everyone else was babblin' in the back….. Halfway back home, we stop at 7-11 for some cool drinks. I don't have any cash so I just wait in the truck..... Everyone loads back up and we leave the parking lot.....

Now, I thought my day could not get any worse.....

WRONG!

As we pull out we are gonna make a left crossing the opposite lane, and out of habit I turn my head right to see if I we are clear of any cars….. Well, I guess I stuck my whole head in Mr. Foreman's way, and I have my hair all bushed out like Slash, so the next thing I know....... WHAP!!!! RIGHT across my chest with a huge swinging back hand!

Mr. Foreman had hit me very hard, knocking the wind out me, yelling at the top of his lungs "Get your fucking head out of my fucking way!!!!"

“OUCH mother fucker!!!....

I was astounded….. The others in the truck didn't say a word, didn't laugh, nothing….. dead quiet......  I sit back, not saying shit….. No retaliation on my part, what could I do? We take off and the rest of the way back home is quiet and uneventful....

We finally get back down the dirt road, rolling into the parking lot where my adventure began and we all get out of the truck. Mr. Foreman walks around the front of the truck and heads me off before I can get to my car.......

I am tired, pooped, sun burnt, sweaty, hair like a rat’s nest, covered in oil stains, red raw shoulders and near ready to collapse........

Mr. Foreman looks me in the eyes, I will never forget this moment; "I guess you won't be showin' up tomorrow?"…..

I simply replied "I guess not"….. and that was the end of my employment right there…..

I load up into my car and drive home, it takes about 35 minutes. I walk up the stairs to my dad's apartment, it's about 8 PM and I open the door. The kindest coolest blast of cold cool air hits my mangled and broken body......... I walk down the hallway and turn the corner into the living room…..

There's dad on the couch/my bed reading his newspaper, like he does every night, and he just looks up to see his son, who is a different color than when he left that morning, covered in oil….. My white shirt no longer white, looking like death warmed over…..

He gets a huge ass grin on his face, almost ready to chuckle, and says gleefully "So, how was your day?"…..

I don't say a word….. I just drop to the floor right in front of the couch, pressing my red face to the cool tiles, with the AC unit blowing cold air across my skin....

Dad just says "That bad, huh?".....

I just murmur "Uh huh"......

"You goin' back tomorrow?" asks dad, laughing out loud.....

I barely utter a slight sarcastic giggle….. Dad gets a real good chuckle out of this and I finally just close my eyes and nod off instantly......

….. I stayed on that floor till the next morning around 9 AM. Dad said I didn't move for shit all night or that morning….. Boy, did he get a kick out my story when I finally got up…..

It gets better.....

I wait two freaking weeks for my check….. Finally I drive over to the landscaping company, all geeked up about my check, thinking 9 hours work, 4 hours drive time......... Should equal 13 hours for my check right?

WRONG!

No pay for the drive time, just 9 hours at about 5 bucks an hour, after taxes and shit..... a grand total of…..

....... 35 BUCKS!!!!

1 carton of cigs..............$ 15

2 twelve packs of cheap beer..........$ 8

1 tank of gas for the Shove-it chick magnet........$ 10

1 tube Sunburn ointment............$ 2

My day from hell, and a heck of tale and memory that I wouldn't trade for the world........ PRICELESS!

I hope you enjoyed...........

yOUR dEAR fRIEND, tHE cRABS

by

Crabby Ass