Don't Shit Where You Eat

Dating is a terrific source of hilarious stories. We have all heard tales, both true and exaggerated, about "The Worst Date Ever." Every first date includes the potential to take a hard left turn and go crashing into an abyss of shame and humiliation. I love that.

I will never understand why anybody would date a co-worker. Do you really want to have to face somebody every day after an evening gone horribly wrong? What follows is absolutely true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

I am over at my buddy Jim's place. We are just hanging out, playing video games and pulling tubes. Around midnight, the phone rings. It's for Jim's wife, Tina. Her friend Jane from work is calling and is sobbing uncontrollably.

Tina and Jane work together in a store that sells window treatments. They work with a guy named Rob, for whom Jane is completely HAWT. After a few weeks of listening to Jane go on and on about how much she wants Rob, Tina convinces Rob to ask Jane out, just so she'll shut the fuck up already. Jane is elated.

Rob takes Jane out to a local Mexican place for dinner, where they enjoy a couple of large pitchers of margaritas. Since he knows that the sex is pretty much guaranteed, Rob wastes no time in suggesting that they head straight to his place when they leave the restaurant.

On the way to Rob's place, Jane feels a rush in her gut from the Mexican food, and realizes that she is in need of a bathroom, pronto. She is also faced with the grim reality that she is going to have to drop a deuce in this guy's house.

By the time they arrive at Rob's place, Jane has broken out in a sweat and begins to panic at the prospect of her impending humiliation. Suddenly, as if an angel has smiled on her, Jane is granted a reprieve when Rob announces that he is going to take a shower. He offers her a robe, so that she can be more comfortable and less clothed when he returns, and she gratefully accepts.

The moment Rob disappears from her sight, Jane sprints for the other bathroom and proceeds to have explosive diarrhea while giving a silent prayer of thanks for the privacy and the bathroom's exhaust fan.

Jane finishes her business, cleans herself up and emerges refreshed and ready for the rest of her evening. Rob has not yet returned from the shower, so she changes into the robe that he left her.

When Rob returns, they start in on each other immediately. Rob is very skilled and Jane is in ecstasy. This quickly leads to a lapse in judgement. As their foreplay progresses, Jane goes down on Rob, and allows him to pull her around to straddle his face in the process. Jane is a big fan of "69", and she is moments away from climax when Rob suddenly stops.

In astonished disgust, Rob asks, "Did you just, like, take shit or something?"

Jane, still astride Rob, his erection quickly fading in her hand, turns towards his voice. The words don't quite register. He can not have said what she thought she just heard. "Excuse me?" is all that she can manage to reply.

"Did you forget to wipe your ass?!?!?!?!?"

Stunned and stricken, Jane jumps out of the bed in horror, trips over a chair in the dark and goes sprawling across the room. She gets to her feet grabbing only her purse as she flees, naked, into the cold. She jumps in her car, speeds home in tears, and calls her friend Tina.

She needs a friend. A confidante. A sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Instead, she gets Tina.

A few minutes after taking the call, Tina is holding the mute button and laughing like a hyena. Nearly choking, she calls Jim and me over, so that she can relay Jane's story as she is hearing it. We, are stoned and we are in tears laughing at Jane's misery.

Suddenly, Tina's thumb slips from the mute button, and in that moment, Jane is serenaded by our chorus of ridicule. Jane disconnects the call.

Jane did not show up at work the next day, in fact Jane never returned to work.

by

Stretch DongStrong