"Men are from Mars & Women Love the Penis"
At some point in every relationship, men find themselves staring into a mirror and contemplating life while using tweezers to pick the chunks of plaster out of their forehead, which were embedded there as he beat his head against the wall. Usually, this happens after a discussion with the woman in his life about his abundance of shortcomings, and how they tend to interfere with her quest for a 'perfect' mate. This is usually code for her sitting on her ass, being waited on hand and foot, while watching Oprah, and chatting with the Vapid twats she calls friends about how all men are assholes. In addition, it may well be one of the following three things: money, sex, or whether a given pair of pants make the woman's ass look fat.
If the topic of this discussion between man and woman was money, odds are that the source of his frustration is that there isn't enough of it. If it's about sex, there are many frustrating directions the discussion can take, which we'll go into in more detail later on in this article. If the topic instead was the ass/pants conundrum, chances are the man has just gotten wise to the fact that there is NO right answer he can give to the question of whether or not the pants flatter the woman's ass.
As the man reflects on these troubling issues, he may find himself wishing that her 'Hair Harbor' didn't reek of roadkill and bad mayonaisse. And maybe he wouldn't need a Viagra, two Lipitors and three Vicalis if she just licked his asshole once in a while. After all, that's not too much to ask. He certainly has never had a problem jerkin' off in front of his pets!
In fact, it's quite natural to shoot a load into Fluffy's eye. The woman often has a tendency to be disgusted by this, but then she realizes that may be the reason he bought her the assless bunny suit in the first place. And that his taste had always run to the more whorish. The stories about how his ex used to wear a rasberry beret, and when it was warm she wouldn't wear much more, still ring through her head. So if she wants this relationship to prosper, she had better be willing to run around naked at his every beck and call, preparing his drinks and sucking his cock on demand, lest he bring his sexual frustration to the Petting zoo.
He has yet to live down the incident from several years ago, when he mistook the PETA activist to be Fluffy and glued her eyes shut.
A healthy sex life is founded upon the womans willingness to act out every ridiculous position that her guy watches in porn. Regardless of the fact that she is not NEARLY as flexible as the skanks in 'Cum Bandits 4', or 'Daisy and the Anal pirates'. Turning a blind eye to how her guy looks more like Ron Jeremy, than she looks like Jenna Jameson is the basis of a glorious homegrown porn fuck, and can be further enhanced by picking the right mood music.
One should strive to select this coital soundtrack based solely on the woman's musical preferences, with little or no regard to what the man is into. Vocalists like Barry White, Marvin Gaye, and even Sugar Hill Gang are more likely to result in quality porn fucking than say, Opeth or Nevermore. Because when it comes down to it, skinny white metal heads have the genital rhythm of a legless midget on a hippity-hop. Although the long greasy hair does aid in helping her to fantasize that, 3 years later, he is actually a rock star who she has some interest in fucking. He can use it to similar effect, by wadding it up and stuffing it in his ears.
In truth, it is not easy. After a few years, many couples' sex lives have been reduced to watching the Discovery channel together, in hopes of spotting a naked boob on a tribes woman somewhere, or maybe even catch some rough wilderbeast action - all in the sanctity of one's sad sexless home.
For older couples, the glory days of youth have turned into a big black glory hole of sexual demise, as they resign to a life of self-inflicted chaste senility and platonic masturbation.
However, there is a cure, and it involves a 24 year old swedish housekeeper, who happens to dabble in bondage. Which suits nicely, since they are already stocked up on Depends, and rubber gloves, for those spur of the moment self inflicted prostate exams, he has grown so fond of.
Honesty. It is never too late to open up.
"We are Seniors", "We have been together for 35 years".
Seize the moment.
NOW is the time to tell her that you dream of laying a piece of Saran Wrap across her face and leting loose with some Raisin Bran inspired terror.
NOW is the time to give her a flappy slap to her Celulite ass. To let her know that just because you have big floppy penis lips from 10 years of wearing a Catheter, you can still ride her like a toothless crack-whore.
Follow these simple rules and you too can enjoy a peaceful and rewarding relationship.
The End
by
The collective mind of the DRS Readers
(A scary thing - don't ask - apparently they wrote three sentences each)
