Open letter from God
People of the Earth...
It has been many many years since I first took it upon myself to create you all. We have had some good times, we have had some bad times and we have had some times that just downright sucked ass. (Thanks for killing my kid by the way; you are all going to Hell for that one.)
It seems that there is a lot of confusion on the issue about me and where I stand on things so I would like to once and for all set the record straight. OK?
Creation. Yes... I did create you all in a momentary lapse of sanity. I was high on fumes after having created the atmosphere and when I come to my senses Adam was there humping a tree... I felt bad for the guy and created Eve to keep him "company". That was the first of many stupid things I did... Man that is... I was originally going to put the dolphins in charge and created them in my image and everything but that goddamn chattering got on my nerves so I took away their feet, cast them into the sea and made them suckers for big red balls for all eternity. (Adam's blue balls inspired me I guess.)
Well it didn't take long until you guys showed your true face. Adam and Eve went forth and multiplied all night long and had a bunch of kids that all humped each other. One of them killed his brother. We're just in the second generation and already we have murders and incest. That should have clued me in right there of the shape of things to come...
Ever had one of those mornings where you wake up feeling refreshed and like you can do anything? As if the world was at your feet? Well I do... Literally... Every damn day... Gets kinda played after a while so I try to amuse myself.
Mostly I try to fuck with my creation. Whenever I see somebody REALLY annoying and self righteous I just want to smack him over the head with a bolt of lightning, but instead I fall back for a while... I observe and listen and make plans...
Like with Moses. The guy was afraid of heights and water. I made him climb a mountain (three times) and walk through the very sea itself. He didn't want to be a king, so instead I of course made him the leader of THE most unappreciative people on earth and when he cast himself at my feet in despair I just kicked him back in the ring with some good advice carved in stone. These goddamn nuts have no sense of humor.
Like Noah... I was so tired of humanity and I felt that maybe I had been kinda harsh on the dolphins so after a quick debate with myself (I always win) I decided to flood the world and reinstate the dolphins. I had a billion red balls made up and everything for the big coming home party... In a weak moment I accidentally told this dude Noah and he set himself to work building a survival ark. I thought nothing of it, thinking he seemed like an OK guy and what harm could it do to let one of you people slip away? (I am after all merciful whenever I feel like it...) Turns out the little fucker in the dark of night snuck all kinds of animals and crap on board his ugly little boat and by the time I found out they had already repopulated Earth again. All that work for nothing. (I was busy fucking with the Martians. I found out they were allergic to red sand so I played a little trick on them. Damn ugly little buggers had no sense of humor either.)
Needless to say the dolphins got all pissy and after apologizing profusely I promised to make it up to them.
Enter Jonah... Jonah was a real stand up guy in the beginning. I gave him the task to go tell people about me in the most remote corners of the world. (What good are loyal subjects unless you put them to work? Let the other gods be all happy and docile - I am taking over this joint. “Crack the whip and crack a smile" I always say...) Anyway... I asked Jonah to go forth and put up my flyer everywhere and he got all fresh with me saying he quit and shit and fled in a ship across the ocean. Eh Jonah...? I'm God you know. I can fly and all sorts of things... I was just about to turn the ship into a big ham and cheese sandwich when I was reminded by myself (I do that a lot) about the dolphins... I did owe them you know... So instead I had Jonah's shipmates throw him overboard with a big ole sign around his neck saying "Last Man On Earth - Hungry". I then duct taped sardines to his ass and sat back to watch. It wasn't long before the biggest goddamn dolphin you ever saw came along and swallowed him whole. Funniest fucking thing you ever saw! I'll never forget his last words "God! Help me!!!"...
Yeah, yeah... Everybody's a goddamn believer in their hour of dying. Bite me Jonah. I took my picture with that dolphin and promised him fortune and fame. (His offspring are now the stars at Sea World - thank me later bitch.)
So many stories, so little times...
I have to go guys… I have prayers to ignore (piss and moan - piss and moan) and nuts that nobody ever believes to show myself to...
I'll be back.
Love to all my bitches!
