The MySpace Attraction:
Where Shitty Bands Go to Spam
I signed up for a MySpace account, for the noblest of reasons:
Some of the girls on the Metal-Sludge Ho Board told me to.
For the first month, I rarely ventured there. I was banished to the leper colony of a single digit 'Friend list' and it was fucking boring. So, as the sludgers made their way to my list, things started looking up.
I began writing blogs, or more accurately, incredibly vile stories of sexual deviance and the random stupid occurrences that have happened to me, told in the most profane way possible.
And then, something CRAZY happened. People LOVED it. Now, I don't just mean they responded with 'hee hee' comments, although some did (and I appreciated some of the HUGE tits that were usually attached to the commenter), but I also got a serious ego stroke with it, which was unrivaled outside of the jerk-off booths at 'Greasy Tony's Skanktacular Review'. I was a shining star in a small universe of Star Trek dorks, and the slutty women with marks on their bodies from being touched with ten foot poles.
As my list grew, a new trend began. I began getting add requests for bands. At first I always made it a point to go to their page, and listen to a song, or if it wasn't too painful, even two. If they didn't sound like they had a mouthful of moose cock, there was a fair to decent chance that I would add them.
The frequency of these adds began to increase, until I was sure that I was on some mailing list for shitty emo bands. Soon, I began writing small email 'Reviews' of a song or two. Usually with constructive criticism such as 'Don't step up to the mic, until you've swallowed the gopher spunk...TWAT!!!', 'A better use of your time would be tuning your guitar, washing your hair, and taking your cock out of the light socket', or 'It looks like Good Charlotte threw up on you'. But RARELY degrading into comments like 'Your band sucks harder than your sister when the fleet comes in!'
And yet, they still continue to send me friend adds. Several I have accepted out of an appreciation for their tunes, and some just out of the sheer wackiness of them. I am dumbfounded how a band made up of bagpipes, and a Kazoo can have 86 friends, and a comment from someone named 'Sex kitten417', stating that she 'CAN'T WAIT for the next show'.
But hey, for all you bands out there in MySpace land. My advice is 'Keep plugging away', 'Keep writing those songs', 'Wash your hair, you emo twats', and most importantly 'Stop sending me friend adds' unless your lead singer looks like an extra from Lesbian Stewardesses 9.
by
Guitarboy
