It’s Good To Be The Prick: Part 1
It is never a fun thing to lose your wallet. You feel like your whole identity has been lost into a black hole, but finding somebody else’s wallet… now that is a whole different ballgame.
As I was walking through Walgreen’s parking lot the other day, I noticed a change purse type of wallet basking in the sun in a small shopping cart. My first inclination was that it was probably a wallet that somebody gave to their kid to play with, but the more I thought about it, the more I had to know if there was anything inside.
I picked it up, opened it, and to my surprise it was loaded. There was a driver’s license, credit cards, and exactly seventy-three dollars in cash. I could have taken the wallet back into the store and had them put it in the lost and found, but something wouldn’t let me; something that whispered, “Take it… have some fun!”. So I decided that the seventy-three bucks would make an excellent finder’s fee, but what should I do with the wallet and the rest of its contents?
First, I stopped and bought a twelve pack of beer with my newly found wealth and headed home. Once home, I took the credit cards and the driver’s license out and paper clipped them together in a neat little stack. I then put a note inside the now empty wallet that read “Thanks for the beer money and credit cards, whore! – Brian”. I took the wallet and put it in a small box and taped it closed. On the outside of the box I wrote the name and address that was on the driver’s license, and for a return address I used the address of my asshole drunk of a neighbor, Brian. You see, Brian is the kind of asshole that doesn’t want to fuck up his own lawn, so he walks his dog late at night and lets it piss and shit on everybody else’s lawn, which kills the grass… my grass in particular. Thus, the fucking guy had it coming. Next stop…The UPS Store
Parcel in hand, I jumped into the ever so trusty Voodoo Mobile and sped off to the nearby UPS Store. Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I even decided to pay for the postage myself; with my new finder’s fee money of course.
Since it was a local address, I gave it two business days to travel through the postal system before I chucked the driver’s license and credit cards into asshole Brian’s mailbox, hoping that he would try and contact the owner, or better yet if he was dumb enough, use them.
I thought my plan was both brilliant and well executed. Unfortunately, I’ll never really know without incriminating myself if anything ever became of the whole wallet scenario, but the important thing is that the lady got her wallet back, albeit empty, and I had free beer money for a fucking week…
… It’s good to be the prick.
by
VooDoo
