Woes and Vows - Roadie Wife pt 2
OH MY GOD, with all the complaining I have done with the hubby being on the road, you would think I would be glad to have him home. Not so… He’s very much back in our house, taking up work here in our home city instead, and with that panic has risen and is now a controlling factor in my life. That fucker is moving my shit around and is disrupting my routines and my nice set life. He is also taking up ¾ of the bed. It used to be MY bed.
The kids are, of course, bouncing off the wall, "Daddy this, daddy that." Ugggghhh. Nothing like a parent that has been gone for a year and a half and then comes home as the returning super hero, buying them expensive stuff all the time. I knew breaking him in again would be a bitch, telling him to pick up the wet bathroom towel off the floor and put down the seat, but I never knew it would be this bad.
I have learned to live my life as a single mom, suspended in a perpetual divorce that never brought closure, chatting on the phone to a man that was my estranged husband over a "Ma Bell connection". Divorced couples have it easier on the communication part, I see that now. My husband is an awesome man when it comes to his children, don’t get me wrong. When he was away all that time he always called them twice a day, and then he would call me just to say goodnight. Sure, Super Dad with our kids, but he is Rain Man when it comes to me. I thought maybe that would change when he came home, but it’s just been worse. Now I have to face him every day, and can’t just hang up on him when he bothers me. The perpetual divorce has become a dead marriage instead.
Where does one turn when one has come to the realization that the marriage is over? There is no fighting no hate no love other than a roommate or a friend. What is the last ditch effort for? When do you finally say enough is enough? There is so much to think about with divorce and separation. Where are the kids going to go? Where am I going to live? Can I afford this all on my own? Will I in fact be happier out in that great big world alone? My marriage started out based on love, fun and excitement now it is just a flat line of day-to-day crap. Living this kind of lifestyle leads to nothing but ulcers depression and fear of the unknown.
The biggest part of all of this is I am afraid of hurting my spouse. He is a fabulous father and a wonderful man. I'm just not in love with him anymore. Waking up in the morning and just dreading rolling over and looking at the day is no way to live. Knowing what you have to do and then mustering up the courage to do it is just terrifying. It's kind of funny that I have a big enough mouth to bully anyone around me into getting my own way, including my husband, and then still not being able to say out loud that I want out of this mess.
I am more afraid for my kids than anything; I don't want them to get hurt in all of this. They will be hurt either way you look at it. If I stay I am just showing them that I don't deserve to be happy and therefore when they grow up they don't deserve it either. If I leave they will miss seeing their father everyday. I will be the big old meanie that ripped their father out of their lives. I am very aware of what needs to be done. I just have no idea how long it is going to take me to get there. It would be so much easier if there was some sort catalyst, like an affair or a huge lie… maybe a tragic accident.
I don’t know.
by
Raz
