Who Used All of the Goddamn Toilet Paper?
You know, I read on some writer's blog somewhere that the key to a good post was the title. You have to draw your readers in... Did that work?
Actually, the title correlates to the subject of this review; I am going to talk about toilet humor. Why you ask? Good question… because I have recently read one of the funniest books I've ever laid my eyes on.
The other day I was sitting there, reading this book, and it hit me... this book is the very pinnacle of toilet humor. It didn't hurt much that I was sitting on the toilet when I had this epiphany. The book that I am referring to is “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max.
According to the web, the definition of toilet humor is:
Public reference to bodily functions such as urination and defecation is taboo in many cultures and thus arouses intense anxiety in many people. For this reason, there is a whole sub-genre of humour, toilet humour (also potty humour or bathroom humour) based around excretion. This genre is particularly popular with children. For that reason, it is particularly taboo when adults use it, though it is quite common.
OK that's a pretty accurate description, but not the one I was going for when the term toilet humor hit me about this book. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of references to bodily functions in the book, but to me toilet humor is something that makes you feel happy while reclaiming the throne.
By show of hands, who reads on the toilet?
That's what I thought, just about everyone. Now I ask you this, would you rather read something thrilling and suspenseful, while suffering from constipation, or would you rather read some incredibly funny shit? I know, it's a no brainer... The thriller is going to make your sphincter clinch up, which in turn is going to make doing your business that much harder. Hell, a Danish traveler would stand a better chance of leaving Iran unscathed than you having a bowel movement after reading a thriller. On the other hand, reading something funny is going to relax your mind, causing you to laugh, which in turns works the abdominals and pushes the shit out. Who needs Ex- Lax when you have toilet humor?
So what makes good toilet humor?
First and foremost, it has to be funny, and when I say funny what I really mean is "retard spelling bee" funny. It can't just be "chuckle" funny. It has to make you laugh all the way through; no lulls, or else you're going to think about that constipation. “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" has this type of funny. After reading the book I am sure a lot of people will be appalled at some of Tucker's exploits, but one thing you can never say about them is that they are not fucking hilarious.
Second, and almost as important, is the length of chapters, or in the case of this book, the stories. To be classified as good toilet reading, a book must have short yet interesting chapters. If a story is interesting, funny etc., but is a tad too long, it is disqualified as good toilet reading. No one wants their legs falling asleep while they sit on the toilet. It has happened to everyone; you get wrapped up in a story, and the next thing you know you feel like a crusty-assed Christopher Reeve after riding a horse. You have to have cut off points. It's an exact science and Tucker has a PhD in creating the perfect length of a story. Each story is just the right length for one sitting. That's more important than you realize. You really should choose bathroom reading material like you choose your car. This book is good on gas. Wait…never mind.
Moving on...
The book follows the (for the most part) drunken tales of Tucker Max. Some of the things that Tucker has done may seem a bit far fetched, but ask yourself this... could anyone make this shit up? That answer is an emphatic no. No one has an imagination like this, not even a kid with an imaginary friend that suffers from schizophrenia. Some of this shit is so unbelievable that it has to be true. This book has it all; from sushi projectile vomiting to crashing a car through the front of a donut shop… You name it, it's in this book… well there isn't any goat fucking… close, but no actual fuck.
The most telling thing about this book is how Tucker dispels the whole “drink too much = lose brain cells" theory. If that were true, Tucker would have to change his first name to Terri and his last name to Schiav... you get the picture. Tucker may very well be an anomaly in the drunkard community. He is quick witted, even when "tore out the frame". (OK, so I really do not use that phrase. Actually, I never have, but I always wanted to - it's so redneck. Sue me.) After years of drinking, his memory seems to still be intact. Some of these stories were written years after they took place, and he writes them with such precision that it's almost as if they just occurred. So go ahead, have a beer… or have 30.
Here is some actual reader feedback from the book jacket:
"I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?"
"I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist."
And here is my favorite...
"You are the coolest person I can ever imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more."
For those that don't know who Tucker Max is, you can read about him here:
There you will find a lot of the stories in the book. Don't be a tight ass (reserve that moment for when you are unlawfully imprisoned and have to share a cell with Tyrone), buy the fucking book - it's only $12.95. Most of you spend at least that much a month on subscriptions to Internet porn. Seriously though, if you enjoy the stories on that site, buy the book and help support Internet writers. Just think of Sally Struthers standing in some desolate third world village, asking for your cash. It's like that, minus Sally Struthers. Now isn't it worth 13 bucks not to have to see her fat ass whine? Thought so.
Another point for buying the book… it's the goddamn pinnacle of toilet humor! Did I say that already? Oh, well. You can not take your PC to the bathroom. You can take your laptop, but a book is much easier on the knees. Really, one of life's greatest overlooked luxuries is a pleasant bathroom experience. Buy this book and you will be shitting regularly before you know it. OK, that may not be entirely true, your habits rely on your dietary intake, but I can guarantee that if you have a sense of humor, and this book next to your toilet, you will be looking forward to going to the shitter all day long.
by
John Doe Valentino
To submit any sort of writing of your own, send your stuff to:
drs@deadrebelsociety.com
Please send in doc- or rtf-formats only.
What is this, 1967?
 | ||||||
