Our Smelly lil' Friend
I would like to cover a subject that is close to all of our hearts...
Literally...
It is my intention to give long overdue praise and recognition to a subject that is in the very fabric of our couches, bed sheets and lives.
Our true friend, the Flatulent.
The truth is, nothing in the average man's life gives as tirelessly, yet asks for so little in return. I dare say that no less than 20% of the average man's favorite comedic memories are owed, at least in part, to our floating friend. These memories are as universal to that man as they are misunderstood by the average woman.
Let us take a trip down memory lane, and revisit the cornholeucopia of ways that he has put a smile on our collective faces, shall we?
The Roadtrip
You are driving along the Highway, you hit 'window lock' and safely fire at will under the sonic veil of the radio. Time is now in slow motion. The first hint of butthole bouquet hits you and you know there can only be micro-seconds remaining before the inevitable chorus of, "GODDAMMIT!! YOU SONUVABITCH!!” followed by the mad and futile scramble to open the windows... you relish every nanosecond knowing full well you have suffered as they do now... sweet payback. You then unlock said windows before true reprisal abounds and laugh furiously as you view your friends mimic terriers with their heads out the windows.
The Bus
Remember when you were 13, so close to freedom but still shackled by immobility? You wait for the miserable fuckin' bus… it finally arrives and it’s PACKED! Well Bubba, time for a lil' GetBack! You squeeze down the way, looking out for whom you believe really deserves a face full of ass flakes. SPOT HIM! You grab the overhead rail and begin to time the perfect crime. A passenger gets up to exit the bus! It's almost time! His exit requires a pirouette on your part, so like Baryshnfuckingkov you seamlessly smoke the sap. Much like the sun, you may never look directly at your victim. With sunglasses on you look straight ahead, straining the boundaries of your peripheral vision. Rejoicing in the facial contortions of your victim. Validation at last!
The Airplane
Nothing quite like the trepidation that one endures before yet another LA-NY red-eye flight. You hope for the best and expect the worst.
Like a moth to a flame, another fat bastard is sittin' next to me. The armrest disappears along with 1/6th of the room you need to achieve even mild discomfort. Cocksucker. Your only option is to cram yourself into the wall of the plane and feign sleep for the next 6 hours. You take solace in the fact that you ain't goin' down alone. Oh HELL no! With torso turned and cheek lifted, you spring an hours long slow ass leak that will ensure this gentleman being every bit as miserable as he has made you. Checkmate, bitch.
Relationships
In sharing some of its most common uses, I risk pigeonholing our multi-faceted friend in a light most undeserving. It is much more than a tool of vengeance or simple laughter. Read on.
You come home from work, physically tired and emotionally spent. You grab a coldy, turn on the tube and park your ass on the couch for a few minutes of well deserved downtime. Your Ol' Lady walks in and wants to discuss Thanksgiving plans in the middle of March, *BRRRRAAAAPPTH*, end of discussion. At worst you hear the Lord's name in vain as she exits the room. That air biscuit could have saved your relationship! The way you felt, if you had opened your mouth, irrevocable damage may very well have ensued instead. Score one for the light guy.
Finally, there is something almost mystical that happens between men, transcending communication itself.
The Holidays
Your house is filled with friends and family. At first everyone is mingling, catching up with one another, etc. But as we all know, with 6 hours of football to be watched, it is inevitable that the men will find themselves sequestered at some point in the living room while the ladies do whatever it is that they do. During the time leading up to this however, we keep a subconscious eye on one another's eating habits. No one wants to come to a gunfight with nothing but a pocketknife.
"Damn Bill, how many Deviled Eggs you throw back?"
“Five”, he says as he dips another piece of broccoli into the dip. "Mmmm...” You now know you'd better pick up your pace a bit, as you spoon another helping of candied yams onto your plate whilst grabbing another egg.
You see what I'm getting at here? These wonderful gases may be generated in our intestines or in our stomachs, BUT, they permeate our entire lives!
This world would be a much emptier place without them.
by
HungWell
