Cussing is my business...

(... and business is fucking great!)

I cuss a lot, and if you don’t like it, you can fuck right off.  I like it… in fact I LOVE it, so if it offends you maybe you should not be around me, because you’re going to hear a fuck load of it.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t cuss.  I shit you not when I tell you that the first sentence I ever strung together was “FUCK ME RUNNING!”, all at the tender age of two.  This is a story that my mother loves to tell, her big hillbilly heart swollen with white trash pride.  You see, I owe my romance with the fine art of cursing entirely to this woman.  No one cusses better than my mom, fucking NO ONE.  This bitch could fit five curse words into a seven word sentence, and even though it might not make a bit of fucking sense, you would still be impressed by the sheer ferocity of it.

One of my earliest memories is of my mom cussing.  We had just finished shopping at K-mart after seeing Fritz The Cat at the movies, and while trying to pull out of the parking lot some dumb fuck made the mistake of cutting my mom off.  After much cursing on her part (and me asking, “MOMMY, WHAT’S A CUNT?”), this asshole actually had the balls to flip my mom off -- bad move, fuckhole.  I remember her looking at me, telling me to stay in the car and play with my Donnie Osmond doll while mommy “wipes the asphalt clean with this cocksucker”.  She proceeded to throw our Grand Torino in park, walked up to the guy’s car window and screamed “HEY MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?  MY KID’S IN THAT GOD DAMN CAR!” and proceeded to throw her entire Shasta on him. 

I think that if it were possible for daughters to form an oedipal complex, that would have been the birth of mine right there.  I remember thinking that my mom was so fucking cool and I knew from that point on, if I wanted people to respect me, I had to unleash The Power of Fuck on them whenever possible.

See, when you’re 5'3", people aren’t really intimidated.  Especially if you have a proclivity towards tie dye and own a vagina.  Now take that and couple it with a 2-pack a day menthol rasp and a butt load of killer FUCK, and it’s an entirely different story.  I square off with 6 foot plus schizophrenics on a daily basis as well as the occasional gang banger who dares to defy my authority at work.  I firmly believe that it’s because of my foul mouth that I have never been shot or choked.  I mean really… if you got to the point where you were screaming “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK” to someone in a public setting, and they looked you dead in the eye and said ”AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU GIVE A FUCK ABOUT”, wouldn’t you be subdued, not to mention impressed?

The fact that I work mostly with addicts, prostitutes, dope boys, and the homeless only serves to further my opportunities for cussing. My colorful vocabulary lends me a certain level of “street cred”– especially when most of my clients have just dealt with my well-meaning co-workers who use phrases like “compassion fatigue” and “acting out individual”... I think they are just relieved to hear someone KEEPING IT REAL.

I got a stellar rating on my annual job performance review this year.  Phrases like “has an inherent understanding of human nature” and “real team player” littered the pages of this worthless fucking piece of paper that ensures my piddly 5% raise this year. Under the AREAS IN NEED OF IMPROVEMENT section, there was only one statement: “Miss Bong needs to work on being more self aware of dropping the “F-Bomb” in patient care areas”. 

Under the GOALS FOR MEETING IMPROVEMENT STANDARDS section, I wrote: “Well, I will give it a f-ing shot, but I can’t promise sh-t.”  My boss laughed and told me to keep up the good work. Many people have told me that if you cuss all the time, it loses all of its shock value and impact. I say BULLSHIT! If you don’t cuss like a sailor, you ain’t shit in my book.  Contrary to popular belief, it’s not trashy or common. It’s an art form, bitch, and if you don’t find it sexy, that just makes you a pussy fag motherfucker.

Now who wants some of this?

by

Crouching Stoner