The New Moral Me
I've been noticing that the older I get, the more moral I become. I'm not sure when this started. I used to be pretty wild and had no cares about the consequences of my actions. I wasn't a whore by any means of the word, but I pretty much lived in an instant gratification frame of mind. I didn't care what anyone thought of me and, to be painfully honest, I didn't think too much of myself. When you are young you never think of how things will reflect on you as you get older.
I lived in foster homes, and was a runaway for most of my teenage life, but that’s another story. I hung out with a pretty rough crowd and used to shoplift things and sell them for money. When I was 14 I lived with a 27 year old coke dealer on and off. I didn't particularly like him, or even have much in common with him, as he was 27 and illiterate, but I thought he was cool at the time.
I didn't sleep around a lot, but if a guy paid me enough attention and I thought he was cute, there was a good chance that I would sleep with him. There was this one guy who used to hang around downtown, and he looked like Tommy Lee. Everyone knew he was a slut, even though he had a girlfriend, but after spending the afternoon talking to me and getting high we had sex on the concrete floor of a parking garage in broad daylight. Being a guy he never paid much attention to me again and moved on to his next conquest.
I lived in a girls’ group home on and off, too. The stories I could tell about that place are wild. I got high one day, and when one of the staff members told me to do something, what it was I can't recall, I flipped the fuck out. I went around the place smashing things and then locked myself in my second story room when they called the police. The police arrived and I responded by opening my window and throwing various things out the window and onto the cop car, including a typewriter and the drawers from a night table. I smashed the hell out of the hood of the cop car and ended up in a detention center. All the other girls thought I was cool, and quite frankly, so did I at the time.
The first time I noticed my evolving morals was when dealing with my cousin. She had started calling a local chat/dateline and having random men over to her apartment for sex. Sometimes more than one per day. Karma being the bitch it is she soon had a bad case of venereal warts and now has to undergo treatment to burn them off quite frequently. I just couldn't comprehend having meaningless sex with these people. I also wonder how many unsuspecting men she passed this disease onto. She is a one-woman walking pandemic. Although as far as I know she no longer does this, but I still think less of her for it.
Then there was the friend of the family who broke up her marriage and family to move to Oregon with some guy she met in Yahoo chat. Every time someone says they've talked to her, I always ask "How is the adultery going?" I mean shouldn't she have ended her marriage before she started another relationship? Now her daughter lives with her, and her son and husband are left behind. She has still not filed for divorce. She is also getting money from the Canadian government for her daughter through a Canadian bank while living in the U.S. I just find so many things wrong with this.
I know everyone says it's not my place to judge, but sometimes I can't help it. I would never even DREAM of doing some of the things that I have in the past, even though I could. It seems like a lifetime ago, or that it happened to someone else. I am mortified with some of my past behavior, but I was young and no one was going to tell me what I could or couldn't do. As an adult I just don't understand where all the morals in our society have gone. I guess it boils down to not having any self control, only being out for what makes you happy and screw everyone else. It's nice to say you don't care what people think, but deep down there is always someone whose opinion matters to us.
by
Twilight
