This is an article Metal Dementia wrote as a retort to the American field study Sebastian Bullhorn and Skeletal Grace wrote last week;
You might want to read that first (by clicking above - DUH!) in case you didn't already, to fully appreciate the humor below.
Germany: From The Inside Out
By
Metal Dementia
OK, seeing as I am probably the only American here that has spent some time in Germany (and at the bequest of xMarlboroRedx) I will try to explain Germany from the inside out, through the eyes of a psycho American.
First of all, I was there a long time ago, but I do not think that makes any difference, because these Deutsch buggers are stuck in a time warp. I am willing to bet a dollar to donuts that things have not changed much.
When I landed in Frankfurt and went to find my bus that would take me north and east of the airport, the first thing I noticed was the security - cops walking around carrying Uzi’s, no shit. In America, you only see a cop with a gun if you are caught robbing the local 7-11 and get into a fire fight. These cops looked like they had itchy trigger fingers, so I stayed way clear of them. Killing Americans in Germany is not a new and novel idea.
In reference to Grace and Seb’s disbelief at how they found Americans to be polite to strangers, Germany is the opposite. These people would not care if another person was being gutted by some wigged out Pakistani drug dealer. In my first hour of being on German soil, I thought I was actually on the Isle of Lesbos. The women there walk around holding hands. My heart sank like the Titanic, and my gut instinct told me that getting laid was going to be a chore.
I did see some hotties but there was one glaring problem: women in Germany don’t shave their legs or pits. I know that is common over there, but being American, the thought of fucking a primate was not overly appealing. Shit, I knew my masturbation skills would be honed well.
We finally left the airport and got on the infamous autobahn. There are speed limits on 90 degree curves but the average speed was that of light. Here we were in this big-assed bus flying along at about 80mph and we were being passed by cars like we were standing still. It was cool. The Germans make wonderful autos. Mercedes and BMW’s are the common car where in America that rusted out LeSabre is the norm. The thing that scared me about the autobahn was that if we got into an accident, our chances of survival were minimal at best. I think you would stand a better chance of staying alive with colon cancer than crashing on the autobahn at 150mph.
After arriving safe and sound at my destination, that being my military post, I finally felt safe again: no Uzi’s or jet propelled cars. Only drunk and high Americans with M-16’s. I made some immediate friends (my new room mates) and they took me to my first Gasthaus. These things are kind of weird. They are like bars that serve food, not restaurants, but bars without the bar. This is where I had my first taste of German beer and folklore. We would talk through sign language with older Germans who would explain what they did to Americans during the war. That really made me feel comfortable and had a very calming effect on us.
Seb talks of American beer, which, as most of us know, is carbonated. German beer is brewed flat. You can open a bottle of beer and it will taste the same two weeks later.
Now the Germans do make some rather nice beers and wine. I was fond of a beer which, if I remember correctly, was called Weis Bier. It was hard to pour into a glass, cuz the shit foamed like a rabid dog, but it tasted really good with a wedge of lemon in it. Go figure, they also make a beer called Dopple Bock. Regular Bock beer looks and tastes like sludge from the Mississippi River Delta, now imagine that x’s two. I swear to God you need a spoon to dig that shit out. They also had a beer that was smoked brewed. No shit. I forget what it was called, but it tasted like smoked ham or bacon. You could drink it with eggs and have a tasty breakfast, but good God did it get you drunk.
Germany likes its alcohol, and the weirdest thing is that they like it warm. During the winter months when the beer was finally cold, the Gasthaus beer dealers would put a heating fork in the beer to raise the temp. I found that aspect of my alcoholism to be revolting, and apparently it is OK to drink anytime and anywhere. On many occasions, we would see road crews or construction laborers working and there was a case of beer catching a tan in the sun. I did learn to drink beer warm. I had to keep my 2 year buzz going.
Then there are the beer fests straight out of National Lampoon’s European Vacation. Huge tents with a polka band jamming on a stage, while the entire crowd sitting on picnic tables would wail out drinking tunes in their drunkenness. Every day in Germany is a day in October. Big ladies serve liter mugs of beer, carrying about 20 mugs each, and guys wear those goofy shorts with the knee high stockings and suspenders. We would cruise the fests looking for babes, but just ended up getting drunk and fighting instead. We had a friend that spoke fluent German, and he could understand the insults tossed our way, so what the fuck? Pop the asshole in the mouth and fight until the cops came with their Uzi’s drawn.
Food. No doubting that German food is absolutely scrumptious. A schnitzel or a currywurst dinner is exceptional. They do not have sliced bread like we do. They just tear off chunks from a loaf and maw it down with the etiquette of a starved hyena. I was surprised by the fact they used eating utensils like a fork and knife. The pastries are literally killer, so fucking sweet, way too rich for my cholesterol. I would guess that Germans lead the world in heart attacks and cirrhotic livers per capita. Maybe it is why so many German women are so goddamned huge: too much Black Forest Cake.
I do not think the average German knows the difference between a New York Strip and a fucking pork chop, or prime rib from chicken salad. As for a German Pizza, my God. They are the greasiest belly plugs known to man, simply terrible. I think they make them hard to eat and digest just to get you to drink more beer.
German cities are fun to drive in. The streets are cobble stone and as wide as a single car. They actually have mirrors tacked up on buildings so you can see around the corners. I guess they are there to let you know when you are about to have a head on collisions. They drive like maniacs there, and the bikers spend more money on their spiffy outfits than they do on their cycles. One cool thing, though, are the castles or church’s in these cities talking piss on the wall of a cathedral that was built 800000 years ago is almost cerebral.
Now we come to Germans and sports. I should not have made that plural because all the kids do is play soccer. No matter where you looked there would be a kid diddling around with a soccer ball. All too many times I wanted to walk up to these Pele wannabe’s, slap them in the back of the head and shove a real football up their collective assholes, scream at them to shoot some basketballs, chase them with a baseball bat, get them to do something besides balancing a soccer ball on their feet or heads.
Now here is the weirdest thing of all. It is what they call a Volksmarch (not sure of the correct spelling). Germany has trails that wind through the wooded areas outside of the bigger city limits, and on weekends all of these people walk through these trails. It is some kind of ritualistic rite of passage. After you walk the distance you are awarded a medal. Here are these guys in their shorts walking like Quasimodo, spines bent forward from the weight of the 300 medals they wear. I have no idea what in the hell is the purpose of these walks. Probably to work up a thirst to drink more beer.
Germany and drugs go together like fucking and having an orgasm. Tons of hash, trucks filled with heroin but they did not have any weed. In Frankfurt, in the middle of the city, there is a small triangular park that is dubbed “Shit Park”. The place is filled with Pakistani, Afghan, and German drug dealers that openly hawk their drugs. I do not think the cops try and stop it because they are too busy drinking. This place was unreal. Nowhere in the states are drugs so openly sold.
Finally, Germans are stuck in the time warp I mentioned earlier. They seem to be 20 years behind the trends in America and the England. The gasthauses that had jukeboxes were filled with Elvis, very early Beatles and some dude named Udo Jurgens who is something like Germany’s version of Liberace. He is a crooner for the females and not a flaming faggot. At that time, the rest of the world was listening to the new hard rock of the mid to late 70’s.
Germans also dressed liked American disco dancers. German JohnTravoltas from Saturday Night Fever. What I found most dashing were the fake silk shirts with a variety of the gaudiest prints known to man. Add that to the Spock style pants with the legs so short they could nearly be considered Bermuda Shorts. Top that off with the ugliest socks and you have one well dressed disco dancing astronaut.
All in all, Germany is a pretty cool despite the fact that I never got laid by a German woman. I had to settle for a female American GI. I did not have to choke my chicken as often as I first thought. That was nice.
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