Rules of engagement

I’m a happy guy. Usually. But occasionally shit happens to me at work that will piss me right off. And it’s all your fault! Yes, I know my sole purpose in life is to serve you bastards with a smile, but next time you are greeted by a bartender with an attitude, remember that he has most likely been victimized by the slime that infest every bar all over the world. Always keep your bartender happy. Never ever upset him/her. Here are a few pointers, a few do's and dont's if you will:

Do not whistle or click your fingers at me. I saw you when you came in already. I’m just busy over here... OK? You are not the centre of my universe. Telling me that you have been waiting for about half an hour doesnt impress me at all, especially since I started my shift 20 mins ago, and you werent here then, you liar!

When I do come up to you to take your order, please don’t turn around to your mates going: "John? Do you want a drink? Eh? John? John? Lager? No...? John?" I have better things to do than to watch you socialize with your drunk little buddies. Is this something that you could have done before you came up to the bar, perhaps? After all, you have been waiting here "half an hour", right? Me showing up to take your order took you by surprise?

“...and a Guinness.” -What is wrong with you people? Why last? Do you have any idea how long time it takes to properly pull a Guinness? If you give it to me first instead I could pour it while you stutter out the rest of your pathetic order.

There are certain drinks you may have as well as some you may not have. As simple as that. Lets make this clear once and for all. Men should not drink spritzers. Just don’t. White wine and soda is a girlie drink and as a man you are not entitled to drink one. Not in my bar. Whatever witty reply or excuse you may have. Would you walk into Victoria’s Secret and purchase yourself something sassy without getting weird stares from the staff there? Same shit, different flavour. Fuck off to another bar if you can’t live with that answer.

If you order two lagers from me and stand there ready to pay with a £20-note, then just fucking give it to me instead of waiting for me to find out the exact price. After all... what are you gonna do about it? Tear off a corner as payment? Argue and haggle about the price? Give me it!

"How about a freebie?" -How about: Have this large tip, Mr Bartender.

When you tip it makes more sense to tip me heavily at the beginning of the night to assure yourself of faster service for the remainder of the evening, rather than leaving a few pennies at the end of the night and have me ejaculate in your double Bailey’s next time you come in. A bartender never ever forgets matey… The more money you give me, the more service I give you. Do the bloody math.

Look, it’s time at the bar and I wanna go home. I don’t care who you are, who you know or how much money you spent tonight. "I drink here all the time... I know the owners... I spent £80 tonight in your fucking establishment..." -Yeah well, You are pathetic for spending your life in here, I know the owners too and I gave you beer for all that money you gave me, so we are even. Just go... Time is time... Especially mine when my shift is over.

Same thing in the early hours of the day when you roll in ordering a drink to get your sad life started. Which part of "We are not open yet" don’t you understand. No, I’m not gonna serve you "anyway"... Let’s see… Having my bar reported and fined heavily for pouring someone who’s giving me a hard time a drink I make 5 pence on during unregulated hours or just telling you to piss off. Choices choices…

And don’t tell your local bartender any more jokes please. He has already heard them all, he only laughs because he is paid to laugh at your jokes. Plus, the fact that you are so drunk you tell the punch line first and slurs the rest doesn’t help.

By the way, that mobile-phone that you lost and wondered if anybody had handed in. When I said "...sorry, no..." I meant: "Yeah, I got it! Called my mum overseas for hours on it too and then called the weather report in Korea and left the line open. That’s what you get for being a cheap fuck and not tipping me!" See ya!

Cheers.