The Umbrella People

For a while, I thought of myself as one of the smartest people on earth. Hold your laughter in. I did come to my senses. But it's a very easy thing to do, getting carried away with your own intelligence. To stand by your opinions and fight for them with all you’ve got, not understanding why people just won’t see things your way. Of course, with time one realizes that it’s not a question of who’s right and who’s wrong. One guy’s truth is the next guy’s lie and vice versa. A strong opinion alone does not make one right. But I have discovered however that when it comes to pure common fucking courtesy I am king.

You see, most of you will never grasp what the hell I’m on about and that is ok with me. You are the mindless ones. You are the Umbrella-people. The Umbrella-people are like the common man who just couldn’t care less about anybody else. The kind of guy who chooses to walk the streets with an umbrella not minding that those spikes sticking out are in my approaching eye level. London has some crowded streets, and your interest in your fancy haircut and its current state of wellbeing does not justify you ripping my eyes out. Whenever I see one coming, I angle in and whack the umbrella hard with my shoulder and keep going. Normally, in London, you get the usual:

”Excuse me” uttered in a somewhat harsh voice, ”mind the brolly…”

In some other parts of the world I’d get bloody dropkicked in the back of my head, but Londoners stick to their ”Excuse me”’s. I normally just turn around and explain, politely yet assertively, that it was coming for my eye and please keep that in fucking mind the next time you see a 7 foot skinhead approaching and that it could otherwise prove most unbeneficial to both our healths.

”But it didnt hit your eye!”, the person replies.

This is an idiot, my friends. I’m not questioning his IQ. I’m sure it’s quite impressive and soaring with creative thoughts everyday. But his common sense of courtesy is in focus here. What is wrong with this man? I am positive he would never thank you if you picked something up for him. He would never hold a door open for you. He would never lift a damn finger for your comfort even though it wouldnt cost him a thing. It’s just his way…

I am paid to be nice to you in my bar. I’ll do my uttermost to make you feel comfortable. I’ll put on a beautiful display of care and service. But I’ll be damned if I have to put up with any crap from anyone on the streets. I do not however, treat people inconsiderately. I always try my best to stay out of unnecessary conflicts and possibly over-destructive scenarios. The people who don’t, serve under the umbrella. They have chosen to commit the same mistakes over and over again. To never smarten up. To never care.

The Umbrella-people are everywhere around us. They are our neighbors behind the paper thin wall with the forever howling kids they don’t seem to want to raise properly. They are the people that stop dead in the entrance of the tube station and just stand there while the rest of us can’t get by this mass of ”blockers” and therefore miss our last train home. They are the drivers in front of you who sit idle as the light turns green and only realize they can go as it is back to yellow again, leaving you at red once more to wait another turn. They are one and all. They are…

Hell, it’s only me left…

Cheers.