"The Exorcism of Emily Rose"

By

Elise the Piece

I realize this movie came out a hundred years ago, but I finally have the time to sit down and let you all experience “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” for yourselves.

The film is loosely based on the real life exorcism of Anneliese Michel, in which a priest went to trial for negligence that resulted in her death. And when I say loosely, I mean that the movie had absolutely nothing in common with the real story except that both chicks die of starvation because of an exorcism and the priest goes on trial.

My best friend and I went to see this killer movie while it was still playing in theaters so seeing a jacked up college girl on the big screen was scary. And that was BEFORE she was possessed. The flick began at a run down farmhouse with the priest walking out of Emily Rose’s room to announce her death. He looked out the window to see a big scary person in a hooded black cape. I couldn’t help but screech into my friend’s ear, “SHIRE! BAGGINS!”  She accused me of turning everything into a Lord of the Rings porn-fest and I accused her of repressing the sexual tiger within. For like 5 seconds I thought the movie was really gonna give me something to perv over, but it turned out that scary dude in the black trench coat was just a demon. Bummer.

Anyway, the cops came and carted the old priest off to jail. My first thought? He is SO gonna love being locked up! But then I was quickly informed by my uber intelligent best friend that he was going to prison and not a juvenile detention center. Again, bummer.

A young ambitious lawyer (Laura Linney), eager to make partner in her firm, took his case. Of course, said lawyer was conveniently a firm non-believer and thought the priest was batshit crazy. The lawyer went to visit the priest in his prison cell and he began to tell her what really happened. It all began back when Emily Rose was accepted to her choice university. Now I know what you are all thinking - if this movie is going the way we think it’s gonna go, this girl is gonna rock at keg stands! Unfortunately homegirl is a total goody two shoes Catholic who would never do anything to hurt the Baby Jesus’s feelings. 

So, off to the Uni she goes.  The first night there she smells smoke, which apparently is what happens if one was ever about to be possessed. Next time you think something is burning on the stove, run far away screaming your head off that the demons are coming for your pert virgin body. Your friends, neighbors, and family will probably think you are crazy, but at least you will sleep at night knowing your body is free of Satan and the gang. You can all thank me later.

Anyway, she left her room looking for the smoke, didn’t see anything down the hall and went back to bed. Then BAM. Attacked by the demons. Her body convulsed and threw itself into a billion different positions while the demons made themselves comfortable. All of a sudden she went from “my legs are shut for Jesus” to “every frat boy’s dream contortionist” in 3.5 seconds. I never was that limber. Lucky bitch. Unfortunately she fucked it all up the next morning when she woke up and started accusing all the guys of making demon faces at her. I can tell you from personal experience that she will NEVER get a date if she keeps that shit up. She does find a friend, though, who is really sweet and makes her leave school and go home because she is freaking everyone the fuck out. The priest’s story ends there for the time and the lovely lawyer goes home. Of course, as soon as she leaves the cell she starts smelling things burning and weird shit keeps happening at her place. Conveniently she starts to become a believer!  The next day or something they go to trial because the priest refused to plead out. He insisted that Emily Rose was truly possessed and the story is reiterated through family members’ testimonies of Emily frothing at the mouth, convulsing, and eating dead bugs. To put it simply, this girl would have ROCKED at Fear Factor! Of course, the prosecution was saying that she just had some kind of seizure disorder along with schizophrenia.

The family then told of how they consulted doctors, healers, yadi yadi yada until they decided that this girl was filled with The_Satan®™.  It was time to call in the priest. In this film, only one real exorcism takes place (in the big scary barn,of course) and Emily shows off her possession by flailing about, screaming, and contorting (fucking show off). The big finale came when she started counting in Latin over and over again, “ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE! ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE!” Yep, this girl was possessed by The Count. I always knew he was a demon. This possession is brought to you by the letter X and the number 5!

Nothing was accomplished that night except for that excellent display of her counting skills (see guys, college really does pay off) so she went to bed.  The next morning she had a revelation. She decided she didn’t want any more exorcisms because an angel (or Mary or someone real feminine and sparkly) told her she would die regardless so Emily could either die right then or suffer like a mother fucker and get her story told. She, being the martyr that she was, decided she wanted to suffer so she could help others. She wrote the priest a letter saying that his sole duty in life was to tell her story and help people “Believe.” Whatever that means. The priest read the letter at the trial and then the jury had to decide his fate. I won’t spoil the ending for you because you guys need to see this for yourselves. The contortionist scenes alone are worth getting your ass out of your house and renting the DVD. At any rate, if you love a good comedy, this is the movie for you!