By
Succubyss
Reality Review
Celebrity Fit Club 2
I’d like to say that I’m not a big fan of reality TV shows. I guess I’m not really a big fan, but somehow I wind up watching random episodes of random shows. Maybe because they’re all over the place, on every channel, at any given time of the day or night.
The show I’ve caught most recently is Celebrity Fit Club 2 on VH1. The premise is that over-weight people who had cause to be in the public eye at some time in the far gone past get badgered and humiliated into losing some excess pounds for the American viewing public’s pleasure. These so called “celebrities” are held accountable for pounds lost, both individually and as a team. The team weight loss is measured on a life-sized balance scale that they all clamber up on to see which team is the heaviest. I want to know what they will do with that scale when the show is over.
The show is hosted by some C-list comedian named Ant. What kind of moniker is that? Ants are annoying little insects that ruin your picnics, not host names. Who is this guy? He’s clearly gay, but without the fashion sense. The show he SHOULD be on is Queer Eye for the Queer Guy – he needs a makeover. In his favor, he seems very nice and I would probably go to karaoke night at the local gay bar with him. I bet he’s a hoot after a few gin and tonics.
The celebrities are broken into teams, but I have no idea of the logic behind that, so I’ve designated new teams here. We have the middle-aged, bloated white guys with tattoos team and the mouthy, big-breasted women with annoying laughs team.
Heading up our bloated white guys, we have Gary Busey, who is completely wonky. I keep expecting him to wear a tin foil hat at the weigh-ins. He looks about 8 months pregnant in his before shot.
Next up, Willie Ames. Who? Oh yea, the guy from “Eight is Enough” and the sidekick from “Charles in Charge”. According to his bio on VH1.com, he also played “Bibleman” - a superhero who defeats evil with prayer and the sword of truth. Before that, he was a crack head. The crack head part still shows. He’s got some very colorful tattoos, strategically placed on his fish white body. His before shot has him wearing black briefs with a white elastic band and he’s executing some kind of karate move. It’s just not cool.
Our biggest contestant is Phil Margera, Bam’s dad. His claim to fame is being abused by his son. He’s just a big, nice guy. I bet he’s one of those guys who turns into a prick when he loses the weight. I want Phil to stay fat.
My favorite bloated, white guy is Jani Lane. I just love him. Guys like Jani are the story of my life’s relationships, only without the benefit of the money and the fame. He’s intense, sensitive, talented and completely incapable of sustaining a mature relationship for any amount of time. His belly is all alcohol bloat. Either that, or his liver has swollen to the size of a basketball. He needs more help than the jokers on this show can give him, but I wish him all the best with it.
Leading the women is Jackee Harry. Her name is pronounced Jac-kay. She will not respond to Jac-kee. Whatever. She played some mouthy, big-breasted chick in a sit-com or something. Now she’s fat. Wow, that’s interesting.
Tocarra Jones is a plus-size model. I’ve never heard of her. Her laugh sounds like hyenas whooping it up around a kangaroo carcass. I thought she was around 40, but it turns out she’s 23. Tocarra has the biggest breasts on the show and spends most of her time carrying them around and pointing that out, in case we didn’t notice.
Victoria Jackson is best known for her stint on Saturday Night Live. She’s pretty funny and cute. She has one of those voices that can become irritating after a while, like a squirrel on helium. Victoria has issues stemming from her controlling gymnast coach dad. I like her, but her revelations make me a little uncomfortable. Another one who needs more help than an eight-week reality show can give her.
And my very favorite, Wendy, The Snapple Lady. She was on last season, too. Wendy is one of those overweight chicks that would do anything to help you, no matter the cost to herself. But if you cross her, she turns into a hose beast. I wouldn’t cross her.
So you have these people who are instructed by a panel of “counselors” on how to lose weight. There’s a drill sergeant, some kind of health guy and a head therapy chick. I don’t pay too much attention to these people. They are boring. Even the drill sergeant is boring because he’s so predictable. It’s not entertaining to me to watch these fit, educated, apparently well-adjusted individuals slam the so-called celebrities who are clearly just on the show for money or to revive interest in themselves.
The appeal of this show is played out after the first episode, where I get to see how bad they all look. After that, it does nothing for me. I don’t care enough about them to watch and see if they lose any weight. The panel of so-called experts does not impress me. I’ll tune in if I pass it and see someone acting up or something, but that’s the extent of it. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to watch it and I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone to go ON this show. The whole format is set up to be humiliating and degrading. There’s nothing you need to promote that requires the public to see your washed up gut hanging over the top of your underwear or your back fat oozing around your too-tight sports bra. I could see that at my local grocery store – I prefer my stars be clothed and entertaining and they are neither in this show.
