By
Skeletal Grace
OK…
Hpnotiq is the shit in the bars all over the world right now. That’s all we needed; a pale blue catalyst to unite the shark grin yuppies and ditzy blondes in their quest for instant sexual gratification. As if they don’t find each other anyway…
Having bartended for quite some time in the most prestigious of cocktail bars I am well equipped to deliver some kind of verdict on this liqueur with at least some sense of credibility. I couldn’t just admit to actually drink this faggy shit now, could I?
A first look at the bottle leaves the impression that the designers were going for that Club Ibiza look with the slender neck and frosted glass barely letting the pale blue beverage shine through, but instead they ended up with a bottle that looks like something that they sell cheap ass sour mixes out of at the grocery store.
A closer look reveals that the alcohol volume is 17% (that is 34 proof to you illiterates) which doesn’t even get my ten year old kid cross eyed.
For the sake of “class” they actually replaced the screw on cap with a cork, but don’t let that fool you... This is blue piss in a bottle.
What does it taste like?
Well… If you are as good as I am at identifying subtle tones of flavors and complex underlying layers of liquid essences you would say it’s like a watered down hotel version of the Polar Bear with a hint of too much lemon juice and too little Passoa. It’s like ordering a really high priced fucking cocktail in a really classy joint and realizing as you’re sipping the motherfucker that you paid $20 for the fucking umbrella. Hpnotiq has absolutely no oomph whatsoever. It is supposed to be a cognac based liqueur but there is none of the fiery grape characteristics of cognac in there, just a bland prissy little sour pre-taste with a pointless passionfruity aftertaste, surfing on a sticky Curacao wave that leaves you looking around the bar for the chili peanuts to chase the sugar away.
If the above description just went over your head like a sonic boom over Helen Keller I will spell it out for you in tard-braille:
This waste of liquid is a 13 year old girl’s wet dream to find in her mom’s booze cabinet as she’s raiding it for the sleep over at Betty-Sue’s tomorrow night. Not only can’t she taste the shit but it matches her eye shade and new shoes.
If you see a man drinking this in a bar, chances are that he’s Mr. Gay Sweden drinking away his manhood.
All others… Stay the fuck away.
To end on a professional note I will still share a drink recipe that would at least boost the Hpnotiq up to a Martha Stewart house warming party functionality:
Blue Piss Bliss
1 Part Hpnotiq
2 Part Stoli Vodka
1 Part Lemon Juice
A few drops Sugar Syrup
Shake with ice and strain in Martini glass, decorate with Orange peel spiral.
Pour in sink and crack open a Bud...
Chill…
