Dead Rebel Society - Travel Guide: Earth

Planet: Earth

Location: Galaxy NW-Z35

("The Milky Way")

Star Rating: * * *

Travel Guide Foreword

Fellow Space Tourist,

My name is Theo-File, and I am your Virtual Travel Guide. Thank you for purchasing this software. Half the journey is being prepared, and that is why I am here for you. My guidance will better equip you to deal with the oddities and quirks of your travel destination. Please refer to all parts of the Guide, as only when fully combined the parts paint a complete picture of what you can hope to expect from your vacation. Reading about religious ceremonies on dusty sand planets might seem like a waste of time, especially when all you want to do is Particle-Surf the dunes, but the information may prevent your ritual sacrifice to the Desert Beast by the Kawargi Sand People because you defiled the sacred ashes of their ancestors with your brand new Dune Blaster X2500.

Travel Guide: Earth is a free standing part of the Virtual Travel Guide to Funky Places, as published and copyrighted by Eye In The Sky, Inc. It is compatible with most Machine/Mind interfaces. Enhancement software can be tanked from our EITS Mother Console by using your Customer Code found on your receipt. Should you have “lost” your receipt containing the Code, the chances are high that you have illegally acquired this software and EITS Special Forces have already been dispatched to terminate your existence. Thank you for your interest though. No hard feelings.

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Eye in the Sky, Inc. accepts no responsibility for any injury or life-termination experienced as a result of visiting any of the locations described in the Virtual Travel Guide to Funky Places series. All travel is done at traveler’s own risk, and our lawyers are much better than yours anyway. Chances are we will end up owning your mourning widow and selling her to slavery on a Trilobite Prison Planet for the Criminally Perverted to cover our legal fees.

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Earth – An Introduction

Why would a traveler brave the cosmic elements of our infinite universe for countless light-years, surf stellar winds through clouds of galactic dust, and wiggle through intra-dimensional wormholes in time-space, only to make it to a remote solar system on an outer spiral arm of an insignificant galaxy nobody of importance has even bothered to properly name? What fantastic things could possibly bring you there? What wonders await you at the end of your exhausting journey?

Not bloody much.

And at the same time everything you ever dreamed of, all at once.

Welcome to Earth. A teeming, thriving oceanic planet with a nitrogen/oxygen based atmosphere and substantial land mass, located on the outskirts of galaxy NW-Z35 and rather casually referred to as “The Milky Way” by the natives. Earth is the third planet from its star and has one main player, Mankind.

Mankind, or the Human Race, is the species in charge on Earth: a rather aggressive bi-pedal furless pack animal of modest intelligence and high ambitions. The Human ego/importance ratio is the most extreme ever recorded with any people in any galaxy. The commonly used universal phrase “delusional reality” was coined by Dr. Fellatio Phoppelbrock in reference to Earthlings during his field study of the planet after having lived incognito with the natives for two whole years.

Since it is basically impossible to vacation on Earth without interacting with the Humans, this Travel Guide will focus on social, political, philosophical and religious aspects of Mankind. In order to maximize your vacation experience on this strange planet, it is strongly recommended that you sit back, put your feet up and plug into this Guide for a few hours every now and then.

Be prepared - or get eaten by the natives, as we say here at Eye in the Sky, Inc.

Aside from Dr. Phoppelbrock’s rather lewd episode about Earth, as featured in his blockbuster series, “Bizarre Mating Rituals in Remote Places”, nothing much has ever been noted elsewhere in any Universal publications about this planet and its chief inhabitants. Earthlings are fairly new to space travel. Accomplishments to date include the random launch of clunky planes into orbit as an attempt to keep up the appearance of knowing what the hell they’re doing and the occasional visit to their lunar satellite.

Although Earth may be in its infancy of space exploration, many of us remember the incident involving the first Earthling in space - Lajka, the Infamous Space Dog. It was a most unfortunate circumstance that the dog’s space capsule got sucked into a wormhole and eventually landed on Felix IV, home of the Feline Warlords. The Felines triumphantly transported the capsule to their Emperor, who put on a big show of receiving a Far Away Ambassador of Grand Importance. Carpets were rolled out, flowers were strewn, and kittens were kissed. As the hatch hissed open, the Felines held their collective breath, only to let it out in horror as Lajka jumped out, wagging her tail, and proceeded to lick the Emperor’s face. As we all know, sending a dog to the Felines is an act of Total War. Much complication ensued in Space Congress while trying to prevent the Feline Warlords from eradicating Earth with their mighty Proton Beams. Lajka became a power pawn in the struggles between political factions on Felix IV and is today stuffed and displayed on an honorary pedestal in the lobby of the rebellious (and lately victorious) Church of Dog Almighty.

As we shall see, whatever is touched by Mankind always eventually spirals out of control, no matter how gentle the touch, or how sincere the intent.

On the other hand, Earth is a diamond in the rough as far as vacation resorts go. Since the Humans are still under the inane impression that any race of extra terrestrial intelligence who visits Earth will be spitting images of Mankind itself – descending upon them with blood thirst and death rays, but gray, with huge heads - it is wise to keep a low alien profile during your visit and try to blend in with the locals as much as possible. Humans don’t even like other Humans, so toning down the fact that you just arrived from outer space might be a wise move. It might even enrich the experience as you will come face to face with one of the most insane and complex worlds known to this writer. (If you look too damn screwed up to “blend” we suggest you go to the cities of London or New York where they won’t look at you twice even if you’re a Triple Fanged Fish-Bear. You might even get laid if you bring the cash.)

As far as climates and geography go, you pretty much have your pick on Earth. As long as you breathe oxygen and don’t rust in water you’re good to go. Some areas are cooler than others, while some locations are warmer. If you’re part of a space traveling species you’re smart enough to figure out which is which (if not - refer to the SFTMC on the very last page of this manual).

We hope this guide gives you comprehensive insight into the world known as Earth. It is a morbidly fascinating place with endless possibilities for adventurous explorations and comfortable living.

Just watch out for the natives. They bite. Hard.

In your service,

Theo-File the Friendly Robot

Your Virtual Travel Guide In Space/Time

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