Dead Rebel Society - Travel Guide: Earth

Subject: Man & Religion

Humans are all terribly afraid of the ultimate end of existence. The fact that “life” takes place between “birth” and “death”, with pretty much nothing to look forward to but turning into fossil fuel afterwards, sends their frantic minds into critical mass.

Not Knowing drives Humans absolutely robot shit crazy. “Surely there must be more?” cries Man, as he stuffs his food-intake with “Dirty Water Hot Dogs” (slaughter house waste products – stuffed in skin) or steals money out of his register at place of employment. Humans are terrified of this “death”, and due to some sort of stubborn defiance they therefore spend most of their time either terminating each other, or euthanizing the planet as a whole.

As we said in the introduction; Humans are a life form with modest intelligence.

The history of the Universe tells us that species that have developed this fear will inevitably, and without fault, develop religions and spiritual beliefs to deal with their Existence Termination Phobia. Religion allows them to explain the unexplainable and speak the unspeakable. “What you don’t know, just make up and preach to the masses” is a winning formula on Earth.

To contact their God, Humans fools themselves into believing they have developed some divine ESP, and thus telepathically send a mental wish list to a Higher Power, “God”, willing "Him" into existence with the force of their wishful thinking. Kind of how the Wheel-Ferrets on Planet Drumble Nocturnus think they can fly and constantly throw themselves off cliffs. It all falls flat to the ground. This self-delusional behavior is typical for species making their first embryonic shuffles into awareness. Mankind prays to God (or even Gods) for success in life, for the health of loved ones, or for the crazy guy with the fish head necklace and the rusty box cutter to not sit down next to them on the train. Prayers and religions come in all shapes and sizes.

In this chapter we are going to focus on Earth’s main religions, since they are all such a vital part of what makes Humans tick. We humbly apologize for any shortcuts we have taken while jumping from key point to key point in our endeavor to connect the dots. It’s not like you are going to join any of these clubs anyway, right?

Christianity

Christianity is based on a book called “The Bible” which contains rural urban legends of men and women throughout the earlier history of the Human Race and their occasional pearls of wisdom.

The main character in the second part of this book, Jesus, claimed he was the Son of God and was, of course, subsequently nailed to a wooden cross to die in most terrible agony. Humans are envious by nature, and suspicious of what they don’t understand, so killing off the Son of God came to them naturally. They “taught him a lesson”. “Knocked him the hell off his high horses.” The ending of this “Bible” deals again with the Death of the World and how Man should just lay down and die because "it ain’t gonna be pretty anyway". A most depressing read. I give the book 2 stoned Betelgeuse whores out of 5.

Although this Son of God was killed, and had all his teachings banned, his spirit lived on in the tyrannical dictatorships of medieval Europe. Heathens were conquered, baptized and slaughtered in his name. And not necessarily in that order either. Women with medical knowledge were considered to go against His Word and were set on fire. There was a lot of death and torture in the wake of Christianity. We think this might have something to do with reenacting his seemingly unfair and gruesome death, and thus somehow paying tribute to him. We are not sure though. We have a feeling the word “Christianity” is Old Latin (ancient dead Earth language) for “Politics”. It makes more sense to this Travel Guide that way.

Early on, Christianity split up into many sub-religions and nut job offshoots, and nowadays not a single person on Earth knows what is going on anymore. Some Holy Men, "preachers", take their followers to the jungle and kill them with “fruit punch” (this might actually be the fabled “Nectar of the Gods” we see mentioned every now and then), while others humbly dedicate their lives to helping the poor and sick. Some men of religion take on 25 "wives" and have mass-orgies on the salt plains of Utah, as a contrast to other learned men “of the cloak” who are not even allowed to take on one "wife" (we will cover "marriage" later on in other chapters). These men, due to the fear of committing a “Cardinal Sin”, spend their lives in utter silence and masturbation instead. (We have yet to find any images of this Cardinal, named Sin, but it seems he was a particularly nasty man with fangs and a funny hat.) Some Christians kill in the name of God, while other Christians preach that killing is the worst of wrongs. They all read the same book too. Reading comprehension is not among humanity’s strong points.

Judaism

Judaism is basically the same thing as Christianity, same main players, but neither camp will ever admit it, so we might as well treat it as a unique belief system. The Jews are somewhat of a special case anyway, since they have a rather iffy relationship with their God. When they were enslaved in Egypt millennia ago, God sent a man to save them and lead them home. Nevertheless they shunned him and had him perform all sorts of circus tricks before he finally won their good graces. Even after he released them from human bondage, they repeatedly turned their back on him and called him a charlatan, dissing even their own God in the process by seeking the favors of a mysterious Golden Cow God instead. It seems they just made this Cow God themselves out of old fashion accessories. True to form, Man frequently makes Gods in his own image on Earth. Their God subtly punished them by making up all sorts of laws for how to eat dairy products, so they would never be able to forget how they had once turned their back on him in the desert. Of course the Jews forgot all about it the very next day, but are still stuck paying twice the price for beef at special “kosher” butchers to this day.

It should come as no surprise that these were the people who later had the Son of God tortured and killed. This was 1,500 Solar Cycles after the whole desert episode and Jesus, the poor bastard, probably thought the coast was clear and that his people were ready for salvation this time around. Not so. Sooner than you can project a hologram of “salvation”, his people had him rudely flogged and nailed to a cross. Jews are difficult to impress and nothing aggravates them more than if you try to help them. We recommend that if, during your sojourn on Earth, you feel insanity creeping upon you, and you can’t stop yourself from dressing in baggy clothes and proclaiming yourself the Savior of the World (it is a common affliction on Earth) – stay the hell away from Israel. They don’t need no stinking Messiah (that bumper sticker is a popular item in the Hebrew Gift Shop – bring one home for the kid’s Star Scooter).

Hinduism

This is a rather interesting religious practice. When the prosperous Galactic Race of the Shivans left their minerally depleted home world in search for a planet with sufficient resources, a mutiny took place on their Mastodon Star Cruiser, “Nirvana”. A rebellion in the mental ward caused much unease among the Shivans, even after it was quelled, and the instigators were therefore consequently marooned on a pointless little planet where they could do no harm. It is now with some amusement we see that the ideas of these lunatics have set roots in the minds of the Hindu people of Earth, complete with eight-legged trunk-faced Gods and the tendency to wash themselves “clean” in the dirtiest river known to any species anywhere in the Universe. The zap marks left on the foreheads of the crazy rebels by the Security Crew’s stun guns, are still to this day plain as artificial sunlight on the followers of this mad “religion”. The Hindus live lives of utter waste in hopes of one day reaching “Nirvana”. This Robot Guide doesn’t have the heart to tell them that the Mastodon Star Cruiser “Nirvana” reached its destination more than 1,000 years ago and is now refitted into a Space Brothel for the Marsh Squids on Wehrenbaat.

Islam

This religion is what will get you in trouble on Earth. Pay attention. The God, Allah, is apparently a most blood-thirsty God (a common theme with Earth’s deities by the way) and crimes are looked upon with a most unforgiving eye (see Anatomy of a Human). And most everything is a crime with these people. If you feel like you just have to covet things, or even speak your mind, just stay out of anything that looks like a desert with mud caked habitats. That is where the Muslims dwell. They are a harsh and angry people, broken in spirit by their religious leaders, but mindflushed to blame everybody else for their misfortunes. If you get really bored with your wholesome Earth vacation, you can always easily instigate riots and other social troubles in this part of the world, by singing “God Bless America” (see Politics of Earth). Either that, or get a big stick, go to the nearest ant hill, stir the place up and watch the ants scramble around with insane fury. The only difference is that the ants won’t hold it against you long enough for your third generation offspring to suffer the consequences.

Buddhism

Nobody knows what this is all about. Really. At Eye in the Sky, Inc. we pride ourselves in thorough investigations when it comes to mapping out the characteristics and definitions of a species, but Buddhism has transcended all our efforts to make it plain and simple. It seems that it can only fully be incorporated into the mind of the Asian-Human sub-race, but since nobody ever really knows what goes on in the mind of these people, we could never get to the bottom of the mechanics of Buddhism. We sincerely apologize and can offer you a free coupon for a complimentary bowl of "rice", redeemable in most Asian restaurants.

Asian people smile and nod a lot, but you can’t help but wonder what they are really thinking behind that accommodating face. Beneath that lack of expression it seems almost as if they are conferring with somebody (referred to as "meditation" by the natives), probably a greater Collective Mind. Maybe this mysterious Buddha is a Hive Awareness somewhere where all Asian thoughts are fused together and portioned out in reasonable rations for all Asians to share? There is a shrine for a soccer player (see Sports on Earth), David Beckham, but we are not sure if this plays a significant role in their day-to-day worship. To blend in, just orally exclaim “ummmm” a lot, and you might want to consider shaving your head.

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There are many other religions and spiritual practices on Earth but nobody cares about them since they are all performed by people living in trees or on designated “reservations”, getting "piss ass drunk" on "Holy Water". Members of one particular pop-religion, Satanism, dress up as "gay bar" variety singers (see Human Sexualities), with panda bear make up, and praise demon goats through choice of poor music. Yet another religion, Wiccan, seems to be mostly for lonely women who rather fancy other lonely women, and dress like they were waiting for some savior named Woodstock to come back for them. We are not sure why.

If you wish to leave a mark of your stay on Earth, it would be a good idea to write down something at random, any insane ramblings will do, bury it in a capsule in the desert, and then sit back as millennia go by. One day, some crazy fool will dig it up and form a new World Religion based on your sense of humor.

This is a fine old tradition on Earth. Don’t disappoint them.

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