travelguideearthsports

Subject: Sports

On Earth, “sports” is something that takes place in between “Words from our sponsors” and frequent runs to vendors of non-nutritional “snacks” consumed by Humans in order to raise cholesterol deposits in the bloodstream before they drop to a non-life-threatening level. Perish the thought – Mankind fears death like nothing else, but still feeds it like it was a Hottenturian Cavebeast at the Orion Zoo.

These sports events usually take place in big arenas that charge the spectators a considerable amount of Earth Credits (see Galactic Currency Exchange) for the pleasure of passing out from oxygen deprivation in the high seats just beneath the clouds. Should you be lucky enough to actually get a “good spot” further down, closer to the “action”, chances are 2 to 1 that your little methacrylate polymer chair will be broken and that you will be seated in the middle of the Serene Oaks Annual Field Trip. It is considered rude to euthanize dysfunctional Humans, so do your best to keep your Death Ray tucked away.

If you don’t grasp the complexities of the “game” at hand right away, or if its subtleties are lost on you, do not panic. Most Earth games are much easier to understand than they seem at first glance and actually have no subtleties or complexities at all. Should the sport ever stray from a formula that Bubba the Eating Disorderly Fan could ever understand, chances are it will be extinct within the year anyway. Humans like their sports in small doses with frequent breaks, preferably with a repetitive and predictable course of action so they can pride themselves in being “experts”. You might wonder what level of “expertise” a spectator needs to predict a ball being hit by a man with a “bat” and other men subsequently running around like headless Dhonderbirds since the game has been played in the same way since it was invented. But that is Earth for you; stating the obvious is a symptom of the Human Condition and it makes them feel superior and knowledgeable. Just nod and smile and make a mental note not to attempt to explain to them that it would be more interesting if the player with the bat instead mutated into a Tharactial radioactive lobstrosity of his own choice and then tried to eat as many of his “team mates” as he could before the audience could finish singing the entire Anthem of the Magellan Clouds. Then again… subtleties. Not one of humanity’s strong points either.

The most popular sport on Earth is "Beating Each Other Up". It seems that whatever sport is taking place, it mostly ends up with both Human players and audience members "Beating Each Other Up". This is usually happily cheered on by one and all, as it distracts from an otherwise mind numbingly boring game. If you walk the suburban streets of Los Angeles late at night, you might be lucky and see young males in training for this popular event. If you walk up to a young male of the Hispanic Persuasion (see chapter on "Human Races") and whisper in his word a secret password ("Suck my dick you beanie spick"), you might actually be lucky enough to be invited to join in on a game of "Beat Me Up". (You might want to keep the Death Ray Blaster 3000 handy, as there doesn't seem to be a chronometer ticking down to zero during training sessions. That way you can decide when the game is over yourself.)

In Europe (see Earth's continents) Humans practice a fine tradition called "Post Game Riot". It appears that when one side is not satisfied with the end result in the actual "game", then the supporters can somehow rectify this by beating the other team's supporters into stasis. This gives the audience a chance to participate in the outcome of the events as the two opposing groups of supporters crash into each other, head first, with both sharp and blunt object. Sometimes a third group, The Riot Force, decides to join in and much fun is had by all.

If your interest in Earth was first sparked from watching Dr. Phoppelbrock’s special episode on “Bizarre Mating Rituals In Bizarre Places”, you might be interested to know that a lot of his field studies were made right here in the sports arenas. Here are a couple of the more easily spotted bizarre mating rituals, that you can observe for yourself up close:

“Male Bonding” – Human males sometimes use sports as an excuse to fondle each other’s backsides and to lay on top of each other in the grass in front of 10,000,000 other Human males (see homosexuality, voyeurism). When a certain goal has been achieved, in whatever sport is being played, the males run up to each other and grab whatever body parts they can, immediately spawning the same reaction up in the stands where full grown, but rather less athletic, males drop their “hot dogs” and get “down and dirty” with their “friends” (see closet). For some reason it is considered rude to “slip the tongue” at these encounters. Our observations have yet to determine what exactly goes and what doesn’t. If you feel the need to participate, one or two tentacles, at the most, should suffice to achieve maximum fondling effect. More than that might require a “motel room” (see Psycho, and chapter on "Human Sexuality").

"Cheerleading" – Humans can only take in so much information at one time. In that way they are like the Dandruffian Fumblebees of Pollonia II, crashing to the ground if you ask them for the time in mid-flight. Thus, Humans invented “cheerleading”. Originally designed to remind the audience which team to cheer for (see ADD, and also America) and how to do it properly (see chapter on “Males and Manuals”), it has instead developed into a sexual stimulus to inspire intercourse between Males and Females; the Females being the cheerleaders themselves and the Males being the athletes. They “hook up” in the showers after the game (m-link to “Virtual Library”, tab “Earth”, and think “Debbie Does Dallas” for visual reference).

Another interesting thing about sports on Earth is that the participants are only allowed to achieve a certain level of excellence without using medical or chemical enhancements. This means that they are allowed to train their bodies to the point of hernia, ruptured muscles and torn ligaments to achieve physical prowess, but simply downing a steroid cocktail is considered rather rude. Humans clone “sheep” (see DNA-science and Paris Hilton) and mutate Human ears onto small rodent animals, but they refuse to make themselves any better.

This is, of course, another symptom of the confusion that Humans regularly display. Why wouldn’t you want the game to be as entertaining as possible no matter how the players got to be as good as they are? Humans believe in something called “Fair Play” (no, we’re not making this up) and that all men are created “equal” (we promise – they really say that!) and that it, therefore, is “unfair” to use drugs to enhance yourself (ludicrous, we know). It seems the line between competition and entertainment are drawn easily enough when it comes to the actual participants but stepped all over when it comes to the owners selling “television rights”, “contracts” and “concessions”. Can you imagine what would happen if the Laser Squids of Cyborgia couldn’t shoot up their X-ray microbes before a game of Planetary Head Shot? Especially at the Inter-Special Games at Andromeda? Who would watch it? Not this Travel Guide.

Finally, here are some sports you might want to attend during your stay on Earth:

Football – Big Humans run around and end up in big heaps. Then they give the “Coast is Clear – Come Kick the Ball” sign to the Chief-of-Game Human who is the only one allowed to actually touch the elongated object with his feet; a tiny little male who for some reason is also wearing the same pads as the big Humans – we have yet to see anybody try to hurt the little Human. It is a most popular sport.

Basketball – Tall Humans of black pigmentation play in circles around Tall Humans of white pigmentation. When a certain excitement has been built up, and the White Humans fall on their buttocks, the Black Humans throw the ball object through a netted circle. (Side note: This Travel Guide has yet to see these Black Humans move with any resemblance of speed outside this “Basketball Court”. Mostly they move like Trillian Marsh Slugs when you see them in the streets. We are not sure, but they might be in training for something called “The Olympics”, saving energy for popular events, such as “Running from the Law” and “Track and Field”.)

Kick Balls - Male Humans run around in a field, trying to sneak up on unsuspecting players for the opposite team, and then kick their testicles into their intestines (see Human Anatomy, infertility).

For more information, m-link our Virtual Library, tab “Earth” and think “Sports”. We update all information centennially.

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