I hate people – Part 4
"The Fat Friend"
"Hello, I'm Big Angry!"
We all had a fat friend, and if you did not, you were either
A) An asshole or
B) The Fat Friend
The Fat Friend is fat, and there is no getting around it (no pun intended). There are two types of Fat Friend: The guy who is the wing man, and the chick who is the complete cunt. Since this is kinda tough to sort out, I am going to do the female first.
Now, the Female Fat Friend is either a good friend, sweet as a button, or a walking ball of butter – mean as fuck. Since I loved my Fat Friend dearly, and wish I knew where she is today, I will go with the mean one, laying it out for you. After all, most of them are of the nasty variety anyway.
This bitch WILL cock block you. She is pissed that all her friends are HAWT, and that she is not. She seeks solace in eating, and by telling her friends that their boyfriends are all losers. If you like to watch and observe people, like I do, you will notice that hot chicks gravitate around The Fat Friend like she is a planet, and they are all moons. The hot friends are not always around The Fat Friend; only when they don't want to be disturbed, they call her to join in whatever it is that girls do. If you happen to be on spring break in a sexy resort town somewhere, you will notice that the cummy lipped girls left their Fat Friends at home. There is a reason for this. The Fat Friend is a bitch, feared by men everywhere, and will kill off any prospect of bagging a Studly McMuffin.
The Female Fat Friend is a femi-nazi; she hates ALL MEN! When she is around, and you happen to chance into her orbit of HAWT friends, she is the one that will attack you like a pitbull. If she ever were to lose the weight, this bitch would NOT lose the attitude. She would just assimilate into her clique of hot friends. She usually does lose it eventually with plastic surgery and tummy tucks. But, the attitude stays on. A Fat Friend’s raging persona in a slim girl’s new body.
On the other end of the spectrum we have The Male Fat Friend. This is someone who tries too hard and has severe self esteem issues. I never had one of these Male Fat Friends, and I will tell you why.
The Male Fat friend has that look sliding off his eyeballs. No, not a honey glazed look, but a look of utter psychosis. His so called “friends” pick on him constantly. He is their punching bag, and it seems at first glance that he goes along willingly enough… Oddly though, the Male Fat Friend is not always fat, he comes in Nerd as well, but he is always different - the outsider in the circle of friends. Just think of Screech and you will know who I am trying to describe.
It seems that every cool clique has one of these “fat” friends, and it always baffles my mind how someone would stoop so low for acceptance, and how the people doing the picking don't see anything wrong with it. No one in a clique really likes the Fat Friend, but they like having him around to laugh AT. Like a mascot. The Fat Friends all know this, of course, but kid themselves into thinking that they are all laughing TOGETHER. This is wrong. Watching this type of behavior lowers my general opinion of society into the negatives (since it was already at zero).
The Male Fat Friend usually hangs out with jocks, but sometimes you will see him stomping around with the Slipknot fans as well. That’s because jocks and Slipknot fans are easily amused, and he is able to assimilate into their ranks, assuming his Fat Friend role, and have a sense of bonding with these inferior people. This makes HIM inferior. That’s why I could never be his friend.
God I fucking hate those jock bastard motherfuckers… all they do is take up my fucking air!
I would like to
CENSORED and leave only ashes in my wake. Motherfuckers.
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