All Cops Are Bastards

Normally I’m not into such generalizing catch phrases, but in this case I’ll gladly make an exception. Because it is, after all, dead on. All cops are indeed bastards. At least I hope so, since having an animal for a parent would at least provide them with a well-needed excuse for their blatant stupidity. Fuck, Police Academy is more of an objective documentary than Fahrenheit 9/11.

I’m pretty sure this rant here can be applied to cops everywhere in the world. I mean, the mental symptoms that make you become a cop in the first place are basically the same: incredibly low self-esteem, absolute inaptitude, abnormal compliance and last but not least extreme simple-mindedness.

However, one important difference between cops in Germany, and cops pretty much anywhere else I’ve been, is their status in society. German cops are total losers and everyone knows it. They’re just a tiny notch above soccer linesmen, and the only people who might disagree with that are – you guessed it - linesmen and cops.

When you’re approached by a cop for, say, a routine stop-and-search operation (which is just public official gibberish for “bullying by frustrated asshole-cops”), you’d probably be all “Yes, officer, of course, officer, thank you, officer”. Here you’d much rather throw a fit and yell at the moron because he interrupted you minding your own business and you inform him, in not so very nice words, that he’d better have a damn good reason for stopping you, topped off with pointing and laughing at their faces afterwards if you got away clean. It’s also essential to make really lame jokes about the color of their uniforms (mucus-yellow with spinach green details) or make broke-ass references to their fantastically pathetic gross salary all the time when talking to a cop, just to remind him that you can and that there’s not a damn thing he can do about it. Remember: a frustrated cop is a good cop.

Okay, I’m not even saying all cops are complete raging assholes. What I’m saying is that all cops are idiots. Big difference. Some of them might be nice, if you catch them on a good day, but unfortunately that rarely enhances their IQ.

It’s true.

I remember once when I was charged with “malicious mischief”, or some shit like that, for “disassembling a train” on Christmas on the way home from a bar years ago. One week after the incident I had to appear at the Federal Border Guards’ office in my town to make a statement about what had happened on that night. Right, like I, or anyone else involved, remembered shit anyway, or like there was a snowball’s chance in hell that anybody would give a fuck about my (made-up) side of the story.

Anyway, it started pretty relaxed. After all, I wasn’t all-too pissed off yet. It’s not like I had failed to see that if you’re going to destroy several thousand bucks worth of stuff that doesn’t belong to you in a train, and you have the dubious fortune to be welcomed by a dozen cops at the station, someone might want some money from you sooner or later. However, I naively failed to take into consideration that cops are stupid to the third power (that’s stupid times stupid times stupid, for all you cops out there who slept through school).

Two of those dumb-fucks sat down with me in a small room to interview me. Apparently that’s how many it takes to operate a dated Word program on a pre-war computer. That would have been too good to be true, though. I tried to get it over with and get my hungover ass out of there as fast as possible, so I decided to utilize all my enormous eloquence and dictated to them everything that had allegedly happened, or not - wording ripe for a Pulitzer. Nope. Not wanted. Officer Muppet and Chief Retard had to discuss everything I told them, change it around to embarrassing elementary school gibberish and then type it with a ground-breaking two-characters-per-minute technique into their ancient machine.

By the time they were done, which was about two hours later for a one page report, I was also ready to confess to any murders they might be investigating at the time, as long as I got out of that room and away from the sheriffs from hell. And now, of course (this is me after all), the inevitable happened: the computer crashed somehow, probably because it wasn’t used to the immense wordage input after just being used by old farts playing solitaire on it all day, and naturally those morons hadn’t saved shit over that two hour period. So, after consulting no less than five different fellow bastards it slowly dawned on them that if you don’t save your shit and then restart the computer it’s indeed gone. So, same procedure all over again. Not any faster, mind you. As a matter of fact, I know time moved backwards that day.

I experienced similar shit when they charged me with “car-theft”, when I was “intoxicated in traffic”, and some other gay shit that made me sound like I was a huge degenerate criminal, when in fact I was just a drunk ass boy who broke some Mercedes hood ornaments of parked cars before crossing a red light in front of a cop car. Outrageous.

Ah, the good old times. But why am I writing this just now? I obviously grew up a little bit since and don’t really do all that dumb shit you always end up getting caught doing anymore, so why the cop-hate all of a sudden? Well, because I travelled by train last weekend and once I got to Heidelberg I missed all the last-train-home connections because two of those green-white, bird-brained fuck-nuggets meant to expose me as the dreaded Public Enemy Number One. Of course they got their shit ruined by not finding anything on me to brighten up their drab day, like a truck load of coke in the back pocket of my jeans or something, so naturally they fingered all my luggage and food and finally fingered me as well with their disgusting rubber gloves that probably had already seen more man-ass than a public rest room on Santa Monica Blvd. They held me hostage just long enough for me to miss every single last-chance train leaving me stuck in some gay-ass college town in the middle of nowhere. And they were perfectly aware of that, too.

It’s actually not that bad, I’m totally used to shit like that by now. Big Brother’s indeed watching you, but who cares… But, by stranding me there those assholes ruined one of my favorite schlager (folk) songs: Peggy March’s “Memories of Heidelberg”. That’s just not right. I mean, invade my privacy all you want, control me to all hell and back and violate all my civil rights while you’re at it - just don’t fuck with my immaculate thoughts of innocent Peggy March songs. Is that so much to ask for? I don’t want that day to be my memory of Heidelberg for the rest of my life.

Yes, I fucking hate cops. Hate them with all the hate you can hate with, and then some. I hate cops to the point that I get a boner when I see footage of football (“soccer” for you slanted brows) hooligans beating innocent cops to a bloody pulp. Wait, did I just say “innocent”? There’s no such thing as an innocent cop. It’s impossible for a cop to get beaten up even half as much as he has abused his authority throughout his career.

I hate cops to the point that I break off friendships if the other person happens to be a cop, is related to a cop or as much as mentions fancying becoming a cop in their next life, in case there might be such a silly thing as reincarnation.

I hate cops to the point that, if I see a cop car in front of my house, I throw myself down on the floor and crawl around my apartment on my belly for the rest of the day, and I also immediately leave public places if cops are around. That’s the only time you’ll catch me on all fours, by the way, you faggots reading this. Don’t get your hopes up.

I hate cops to the point that I’d probably never call them, even if it was the only way to survive a certain situation. What’s watching your family die compared to having to feign respect for those at the absolute bottom end of the human food chain, and asking them for help no less?

And I can top even that: I hate cops to the point that even if Pamela Anderson starred in a movie that had to do with cops, alongside the entire female Baywatch cast, I wouldn’t be caught dead watching it. That idea in itself just gave me chills, I hope that never happens. I don’t know if I could cope.

Anyway: cops are the devil. I wish they would just go away. Or choke on donuts or however cops usually die.

Yeah, okay, there may also be a small amount of cops that are in it to chase murderers, child molesters and rapists, and thus generally make the world a safer place and all that pompous shit, but come on… those are about as common as super heroes; it’s a nice concept but most people have never seen one, and nobody can be sure they really exist.



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