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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 12 - The Headlines
The Smoker
A 60-year old British guy who had just been to a dermatology clinic for treatments of a severe skin disease caught fire and burned to a crisp. Apparently the lotion the clinic had rubbed him with was extremely flammable, which nobody bothered to tell the chain smoking gentleman, so when he lit up afterwards he literally lit up like a Christmas tree. See, smoking will kill you, kids.
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The Name
The two geniuses, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, named their kid “Suri”. This, according to them, means “princess” in Hebrew. Unfortunately Israeli linguists have just informed the world on what the Hebrew speaking already know: there is no such word in Hebrew. In Syria you can use the slang “suri” as a form of “get out of here” or “go away”, but not as anything related to princess anywhere. In Japan, however, “suri” means “pick-pocket”, or “petty thief”. Sometimes, not all the time – but sometimes, it might be wise to investigate more thoroughly what you name your kid, just in case you are a fucking idiot and have no fucking clue what you’re doing.
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The Headlines
You know what. Let’s play the free association game. I will just type out last week’s CNN headlines and add a random thought on the subject, whether it is actually relevant or not. Let me stress this... I have no fucking clue what I am doing here.
"Shiites break deadlock on Iraq PM"
I always thought “deadlock” would be a killer hairdo. Too bad these people wrap the towels around their heads so tight the world will never know. Iraq PM would be New York AM, right? We really are the polar opposites of these fuckheads.
"Canadian soldiers killed by Afghan bomb"
First of all… Canadian soldiers are probably as fierce as Swedish and Swiss soldiers, but still… A fucking dog killed them with a huge fart? This is clearly a job for the Marines.
"Model arrested for allegedly hitting flight attendant"
Is Naomi Campbell at it again? Was the flight attendant too slow in delivering her drink or fluffing her pillow? Did she hit her with one of those clunky air phones? The airline’s slogan “Make yourself at home” can be taken to an extreme in the eye of the wrong beholder.
"Naked carpenter: I wanted to stay clean"
I would hope so. Knowing what the carpenters look like here in Florida, I would prefer them clean to have to put up with them dirty and caked in mud on top of being naked in my backyard. On the other hand… it might be more merciful on the eyes. Unless you’re into hairy homosexual assfucking to the sound of the “Dueling Banjos”, of course.
"Two presidents bash Bush at box office"
I thought the office was oval? Maybe this is the square office where the real decisions are being made? Where old man Bush (the dad) and Dick Cheney (the actual president) take little W Jr to beat the snot out of him after he fucks up in public, trying to make decisions of his own. Maybe he should just read the goddamn speeches as the Old Boy’s Club write them? Just a piece of advice to our chief puppet. (If it was just one president "bashing bush" at the office - it would be Clinton going for a home run with Monica - old news.)
"Ravaged New Orleans starts to pick leader"
They should hurry up before all the white people come back. Right now they could elect Jesse Jackson for mayor and then proclaim themselves a giant African-American Third World nation. That way they would probably qualify for the Foreign Aid Program too, Wise move, considering we ship shit faster than you can say "Ebola" to Angola if they are having some sort of problem, but wait for a good week to help our own. Stick it to the man, brothers!
"Doc's diagnosis: Nail gun caused headache"
Was he shot between the eyes at point blank range? I could have diagnosed that too. (Most medical insurances not accepted, cash only – thank you.)
"Canadian natives vow to press land protest"
What exactly constitutes as a native these days anyway? I doubt most people in Canada today just strolled ashore from an Old Country ocean steamer. Indians are the one and only natives? Because your distant ancestors were fucking originals you claim the right to that title forever? Please, Shitting Bull has nothing on these people. It’s so convenient to adhere to ancient traditions, dress in formal feathers and cry “genocide” when the government comes to kick in the door to your little still, even if your name is Pierre Schmoe and you could barely trace your watered down Indian roots with an old arrowhead and a map to Little Big Horn.
"The woman behind the 'virgin queen''"
This headline intrigued me. Is the woman behind the Virgin Queen branding a strap-on? Then would anal sex still keep the Virgin Queen intact? Is it just vaginal sex that defiles the virtuous? I understand that in orthodox faiths you can actually engage in ass fucking and it doesn’t count negatively towards your stacked up Virgin Points.
"Cell phones biggest traffic killer"
No shit, Sherlock? What always boggled my brilliant mind is how “hands-free” phones would take care of that. Is it the fact that the guy is holding a phone in his hand that makes him a bad driver or the fact that he’s wrapped up in a business meeting that could make or break his career while slaloming in and out of rush hour traffic? If it’s just the physical phone in the driver’s hands that causes accidents then we should ban coffee mugs, hot dogs and anything else that could find its way to a driver’s hands during a car ride. Should we be allowed to rest our left arm out the open window? Maybe – and I am just theorizing wildly here – it is the fact that people who are on the phone are totally oblivious to the world around them, no matter whether they have a phone in their hand or if they’re shouting into a microphone. How about we pass a law that makes buckling up children absolutely mandatory under the punishment of fucking death, instead of thinking we know what the hell we’re talking about when we allow hands-free phones as a safe substitute for cell phones. Maybe we should ban women and old people too from driving? And young guys in Hondas that only have an inch of air between undercarriage and ground. And people in dented cars – they don’t give a fuck. Maybe it should just be me and 2T on the road? Yeah, that’s it.
"Homicide suspects arrested"
I would hope that the precinct’s Homicide Department actually suspects the man they just arrested. Otherwise it would leave a bitter taste in the mouth of justice if they just arrested people willy-nilly. What is this, Germany?
"Nepal Erupts in Violence"
What the fuck? Dalai Lama has had enough? I can see him now: “Fuck this meek shit. Peace is overrated! I am going to go all Kung Fu on all these Chinese bastards’ asses. Dong! Saddle my llama! I will lead the attack myself!” Or is it Tibet he hangs out in? Never mind…
"Second Stripper: Something May Have Happened at Duke Lacrosse Party"
No way! This one I actually looked up. Strippers intrigue me - sue me. Anyway... After the rape-allegations from a stripper that entertained at a Duke University Lacrosse team party, a second participating stripper has now also thrown in her two cents. Apparently she is convinced it was not just underage drinking going on at the event. “I am not so certain about these players’ character” she says through her spokesperson. Wow! You go to strip down naked, alone, in front of a bunch of drunken 19-year old jocks and it shocks you that they don’t behave? I don’t condone the alleged rape, by why put yourself in that situation? Who are you, Natalee Holloway? Then again... Who can fault her for thinking all Lacrosse players would be gayer than a kookaburra in an old gum tree?
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