Dead Rebel Society - Gospels Of Grace - School Of Parental Bliss - You

Welcome to another class on how to properly raise your children without inconveniencing yourself and having to make annoying sacrifices in your daily life.

Class 4: You - The Role Model

As the parent of a growing child it is your utmost responsibility to lead by example - to be an absolute paragon of hypocrisy. Let’s face it, boys and girls, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and, therefore, we have to foster our children in a dog-eat-dog environment so to better prepare them for the life that lies ahead.

Our School of Parental Bliss motto is, of course, “This is not a democracy, kids – It’s a hypocrisy” and that is the essence of what childrearing is all about. Unfortunately, it is impossible to fool them for too long. You are not Superman and Wonder Woman – you are two dumbasses who happened to conceive by mistake and now you fumble in the dark, hoping the kid won’t call you on it before 18.

It’s OK, I’m here to help.

In previous classes we covered how to dope your kid up with various drugs to enhance the parenting experience as well as the evils of your kid’s friends. Now it’s time to take a look at you. How can we adjust your behavior, in relation to your child, to make father- and motherhood a little bit more rewarding?

First of all… Don’t feel bad about imposing rules on them that you don’t adhere to yourself. Let’s look at some examples of how we can apply some subtle parenting techniques and still get away with murder:

1.The Brussel Sprout Paradox

Yes, we all hate brussel sprouts. It’s programmed into all our DNA to loathe the taste of the little cabbage wannabe, and the very smell of it sends an urge to vomit racing through our neural cortex. But, it is also our parental duty to serve this terrible vegetable to our children. Why? Because we had to eat the fucking thing! Your parents made you eat the vile little balls so now vengeance is upon your kids! Revenge is a dish best served cold, so put the sprouts in the fridge after cooking them to a soggy mess and make your children eat them for a dessert. Of course, you don’t eat yours. What are you, high? As a matter of fact, scraping any undesired cold vegetables onto your kid’s plate is highly recommended as it shows them who’s the boss. The effect will be even more tangible if you savor a bowl of strawberry ice cream while your kid is gagging on the brussel sprouts. Tell them that when they grow up they can torment their kids the same way and that is what building character is all about.

2.Nighttime Eating

After sending the kid to bed with stomach cramps from either too many brussel sprouts or from hunger pains as punishment for something they inevitably did wrong, it is time to focus on nighttime eating. Your nighttime eating. When the kids go to bed you break out the good food. Simple as that. This is seriously one of the few pleasures you get with kids in the house. Once they are asleep you slap a few ribeyes on the Foreman grill, throw some garlic bread and baked potatoes in the oven, and stir up the béarnaise sauce. Load up on the chocolate covered strawberries and pour yourself a huge glass of chianti. Nothing says happiness like pigging out on your favorite foods when there are no whiney little kids around, begging for the scraps. Kids can be so fucking annoying when they’re hungry. If you only serve Spaghetti-O’s for dinner for a week straight, you will have plenty of money saved up to buy yourself everything your belly and taste buds desire for late night gorging. Kids love cheap stuff - they don’t know any better – and you love it when they eat cheap stuff, so it’s a win-win situation. To prevent the kids from getting gum rotting diseases and skeletons frailer than cheese doodles, you have to buy them a bottle of vitamins. Hospitals and dentists are fucking expensive so this is a wise investment. A vitamin pill and a bowl of alphabet soup a day keep the doctor away, and you are effectively home schooling your kids as well at the same time – doubling up on your parental duties like a pro. Then again… School is the only time during daylight hours you’re rid of the kid, so nevermind. Just remember… If you leave the remains of your Roman feast out on the kitchen counter for your kids to find in the morning it will generate a sense of envy and despair in your children and they will need that to assimilate themselves successfully into the bitter reality of society at a later stage of the game. Repeat after me: Cynical bastards are survivors!

3.Cursing

I know. It is bad to curse in front of the kids, but what the fuck are you gonna do? Not curse when you stub your toe on the kid’s goddamn Bratz Airplane for the third time? No, you call down the Gods of Fury and Motherfucking Mayhem on their world and smash that plane to fucking pieces. Then you proceed to curse out everybody and their dead mothers while loudly proclaiming what should be done to them in rather crude sexual manners. As the Supreme Ruler of your children’s puny lives it is your right to indulge in cursing and swearing, even though they are not allowed to do so. It could be something for them to aspire to do one day, but not under your fucking roof. If even a “crap” slips through their lips you doof them in the back of the head so hard their face hits the alphabet soup. If the little slobbery pasta letters spell something rude across their miserable little snouts, doof them again. It is important to stay on top of this shit, or it will get out of control. What are you, their bitch? Fuck that shit. “Don’t you fucking curse in this motherfucking house, you little shit head.” That sort of thing.

This goes for anger management and temper control too. You have already been a kid and you had to bottle everything up for all those years. It is your right as a fully fledged adult to vent your feelings in any way you see fit, at the drop of a hat. But God have mercy on your kids if they throw a temper tantrum. Remember, grounding them is not really a punishment unless it is in a padded cell without lights. Sending them to their rooms is absolutely not an option since children’s rooms are fucking theme parks these days. We have to be creative with our dark side here. But, “Crime and Punishment” is for another lesson in the School of Parental Bliss. Hang in there, people.

4.Work Builds Character

Nothing builds character in young children like having them walk home from the bus stop in the pouring rain after a hard day of school only to find you on the couch asleep in front of “The Bold and the Beautiful”. After all, didn’t you pay your dues as a kid with all that math and social science? Fuck working. If you have a boy he can do chores around the house like mowing the lawn, scraping the grease off your Foreman Grill, and fixing the plumbing in the bathroom. If you have a girl of weaker stature she can at least marinate the meat for your late night feast or fluff your pillows. As they grow older you can send them to work for your neighbors, or at the local coal mine. They like little children who can crawl into passages the bigger people can’t fit their fat late night ribeye and potatoes eating asses into. If you have a lot of kids start a chimney sweeping business and deploy them throughout town. As long as they bring home the dough it really doesn’t matter. Don’t you want your kids to grow up to be just like you? How can they properly attain an appreciation for the finer things if you just hand them the good life on a silver platter? Don’t be stupid. The character of a king is only achieved through the bondage of slavery. Ask Moses. Your kids will thank you when they, themselves, are lying on that couch in their own house one day, being fanned by their own children. Shit rolls downhill, people. Don’t forget that.

Later in your life they may not call or visit you at the nursing home, but at least you will know you succeeded in making them the best they can be.

But then again, don’t fear, revenge is not over just yet… As a grandparent it is your job to undermine and destroy any actual parenting your kids are trying to implement in their own households, but that is also for another lesson.

For now, let’s just say that “do as I say, not as I do” is basically all you have to remember. The more extremely you can take that sentiment to new heights of hypocrisy and selfishness, the better off your kids will be in the long run.

Class dismissed.

Kids suck. Tell me about it on my Guest Page.