This is Sebastian's answer to Metal Dementia's follow up article on "America from the inside out". You should read BOTH before reading this, or you will pass out from acute ignorance and confusion. Your call.

My answer to Metal Dementia

"First of all, I was there a long time ago, but I do not think that makes any difference, because these Deutsch buggers are stuck in a time warp. I am willing to bet a dollar to donuts that things have not changed much."

No, we’ve gotten much faster in copying retarded customs from America now.

"When I landed in Frankfurt and went to find my bus that would take me north and east of the airport, the first thing I noticed was the security - cops walking around carrying Uzi’s, no shit. In America, you only see a cop with a gun if you are caught robbing the local 7-11 and get into a fire fight. These cops looked like they had itchy trigger fingers, so I stayed way clear of them. Killing Americans in Germany is not a new and novel idea."

Seriously now, I have never seen a German cop with a fucking Uzi in my life. Maybe they just declared a state of emergency when they saw your mug leaving the plane.

"In my first hour of being on German soil, I thought I was actually on the Isle of Lesbos. The women there walk around holding hands. My heart sank like the Titanic, and my gut instinct told me that getting laid was going to be a chore."

They’re only holding hands because German guys are so damn manly they can’t deal with them alone.

"I did see some hotties but there was one glaring problem: women in Germany don’t shave their legs or pits. I know that is common over there, but being American, the thought of fucking a primate was not overly appealing. Shit, I knew my masturbation skills would be honed well."

That’s the oldest and dumbest cliché in the book. With that metro-fag boom lately you wouldn’t even find a guy with body hair anywhere. Although when you were young they probably hadn’t invented razors yet. And if you indeed refuse to fuck primates, you must still be a virgin.

"We finally left the airport and got on the infamous autobahn. There are speed limits on 90 degree curves but the average speed was that of light. Here we were in this big-assed bus flying along at about 80mph and we were being passed by cars like we were standing still. It was cool. The Germans make wonderful autos. Mercedes and BMW’s are the common car where in America that rusted out LeSabre is the norm. The thing that scared me about the autobahn was that if we got into an accident, our chances of survival were minimal at best. I think you would stand a better chance of staying alive with colon cancer than crashing on the autobahn at 150mph."

It doesn’t really make sense to build cars that drive faster than allowed anywhere, now does it? So you could as well allow it and have a little fun looking at car wrecks and deformed bodies in the ditch while traveling around. See, Germans are smart.

"Now the Germans do make some rather nice beers and wine. I was fond of a beer which, if I remember correctly, was called Weis Bier. It was hard to pour into a glass, cuz the shit foamed like a rabid dog, but it tasted really good with a wedge of lemon in it. Go figure, they also make a beer called Dopple Bock. Regular Bock beer looks and tastes like sludge from the Mississippi River Delta, now imagine that x’s two. I swear to God you need a spoon to dig that shit out. They also had a beer that was smoked brewed. No shit. I forget what it was called, but it tasted like smoked ham or bacon. You could drink it with eggs and have a tasty breakfast, but good God did it get you drunk."

What you’re talking about is just regular wheat beer. Pussy. Try triple-bock.

"Germany likes its alcohol, and the weirdest thing is that they like it warm. During the winter months when the beer was finally cold, the Gasthaus beer dealers would put a heating fork in the beer to raise the temp. I found that aspect of my alcoholism to be revolting, and apparently it is OK to drink anytime and anywhere. On many occasions, we would see road crews or construction laborers working and there was a case of beer catching a tan in the sun. I did learn to drink beer warm. I had to keep my 2 year buzz going."

If you’re stuck doing construction work you may as well drink all day. You’re fucked either way. The warm beer theory, however, is even more ridiculous than the unshaved pits myth. If they put a heating fork in your beer that was probably just a sign they didn’t like to have you around, enjoying a cold one.

"Then there are the beer fests straight out of National Lampoon’s European Vacation. Huge tents with a polka band jamming on a stage, while the entire crowd sitting on picnic tables would wail out drinking tunes in their drunkenness. Every day in Germany is a day in October. Big ladies serve liter mugs of beer, carrying about 20 mugs each, and guys wear those goofy shorts with the knee high stockings and suspenders. We would cruise the fests looking for babes, but just ended up getting drunk and fighting instead. We had a friend that spoke fluent German, and he could understand the insults tossed our way, so what the fuck? Pop the asshole in the mouth and fight until the cops came with their Uzi’s drawn."

Germany does NOT equal Bavaria. Take notes. By the way, if you were indeed around Bavaria there’s no way you could understand people insulting you. You know, I speak fluent German too and I don’t understand shit those people say.

"As for a German Pizza, my God. They are the greasiest belly plugs known to man, simply terrible. I think they make them hard to eat and digest just to get you to drink more beer."

Of course food’s only function is to make you able to drink more, but the pizzas are exactly like they’re supposed to be. If you don’t like that, blame Italy.

"Now here is the weirdest thing of all. It is what they call a Volksmarch (not sure of the correct spelling). Germany has trails that wind through the wooded areas outside of the bigger city limits, and on weekends all of these people walk through these trails. It is some kind of ritualistic rite of passage. After you walk the distance you are awarded a medal. Here are these guys in their shorts walking like Quasimodo, spines bent forward from the weight of the 300 medals they wear. I have no idea what in the hell is the purpose of these walks. Probably to work up a thirst to drink more beer."

Seriously, I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about here. Volksmarsch sounds like something happening under Hitler, though. How old are you again?

"Germany and drugs go together like fucking and having an orgasm. Tons of hash, trucks filled with heroin but they did not have any weed. In Frankfurt, in the middle of the city, there is a small triangular park that is dubbed “Shit Park”. The place is filled with Pakistani, Afghan, and German drug dealers that openly hawk their drugs. I do not think the cops try and stop it because they are too busy drinking. This place was unreal. Nowhere in the states are drugs so openly sold."

Ha! I think I know what area you’re talking about! I used to go there on weekends sometimes when I was bored with the city I live in. And actually you’ll find places like that in any German city. What makes that different from crack dealers in America again?

"Finally, Germans are stuck in the time warp I mentioned earlier. They seem to be 20 years behind the trends in America and the England. The gasthauses that had jukeboxes were filled with Elvis, very early Beatles and some dude named Udo Jurgens who is something like Germany’s version of Liberace. He is a crooner for the females and not a flaming faggot. At that time, the rest of the world was listening to the new hard rock of the mid to late 70’s."

They still have the same jukeboxes in the 50+ dive bars, opening in the morning. And Udo Jürgens kicks ass!