Pink
"I'm Not Dead"

Look at the heading: Pink’s new album is called “I’m Not Dead”. This is a review about it. It covers the whole thing track by track. Everything clear? Awesome.

Maybe you already know the first song, “Stupid Girls”, from watching certain awful “music“ TV channels. This song supposedly sends out a great message to young girls everywhere not to look up to the Paris Hiltons and Jessica Simpsons of the world. That would be almost laudable… if Pink wasn’t such a fucking hypocrite. She’s lucky she’s no fucking coke-fiend stripper herself and got loads of money blown up her ass for being on MTV. But no! Pink is not like them! She’s a freethinking individualist! A true rebel! Please. Pink is to Britney Spears what Avril Lavigne is to punk rock at best.

Next is a song called “Who Knew”. Generic pop rock. Great music to listen to in the elevato, at the store or wherever you actually don’t listen to the music they play. But hey, at least it’s not annoying, which is more than I can say about most popular music these days.

The song after that sounds like Foreigner meets New-Rock: “Long Way To Happy”. Not bad, actually. Easily the best song so far. I wouldn’t turn this one off if I caught it on the radio.

Ever wondered what Aerosmith’s  piano ballads would sound like if they had come out twenty years later with a shitty producer? Just listen to Pink’s “Nobody Knows”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not really that bad. But why listen to this when Aerosmith did it a million times better on songs like “Home Tonight”? For the record, this is hardly a rip-off, but as an Aerosmith fan I wouldn’t be caught dead comparing them to Pink if I didn’t think I’d have to. And I’m sure the bitch would be honored. She’d better be.

“Dear Mr President” is a slow stripped down song with acoustic guitar. It fucking sucks. While I’m sure the message is totally important and heart-felt and shit (yeah, right) I don’t give a fuck as I’m bored to death. Extremely gay. She probably thinks songs like this are a safe way to show you’re rebellious and freethinking and whatnot. The sad thing is that she’s right about this. Pink is now officially politically aware. How mature. Now stop this piece of shit song. Damn. Pink is to politics what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to Tony Blair.

Here comes the title track. Ugh! This sounds like something Kelly Osbourne might get to sing on. Only difference being that Pink can actually sing. Which still isn’t enough to save this one. The acoustic breaks are decent but on the whole this song is pretty weak and uninspired in my opinion.

The next song, “Cuz I Can”, is more of a dance track, even though it’s got distorted guitars. And surprisingly, I like this one better than most other songs on here. Catchy and to the point.

“Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)” immediately reminds me of The Strokes or some of those hip British bands like Bloc Party, just happier and without the garage vibe. Simple, catchy guitar riffs and upbeat, almost danceable drums with a chorus you’ll have a hard time forgetting. This is not really my cup of tea but I can’t deny it’s really well done.

Another guitar driven song comes in the form of “U & Ur Hand”. This is good too. The verse riff could almost be called old-school and the chorus is strong enough. Not that that’s saying much but this is definitely heavier than some stuff that’s still called hard rock for some reason, like Bon Jovi. Good job on this one.

Speaking of Bon Jovi, their “Runaway” was definitely seventeen leagues above Pink’s song by the same name coming on here next. I hate the verse of this one, it totally ruins the halfway decent chorus and the good breaks here and there. Since I haven’t been holding back with any silly comparisons throughout this review I won’t start now either: somehow this reminds me of Roxette.

The boring-acoustic-song-count one up, please! Here comes “The One That Got Away”! Thank you! Next!

“I Got Money Now” comes with a hip hop beat and simple piano shit in the background while Pink sings over it and even comes up with the occasional good melody. I think that’s what they call RNB these days. I call it lame. Leave that shit to Alicia Keys or what she’s called. I thought Pink was the rebellious one and no Gwen “I’m Hip Hop now” Stefani or Mariah “Me too but I’m incredibly hot so I’m allowed to” Carey. Whatever. Pink is to real money what “Jenny From the Block” was to Mozart’s “Requiem”.

Next we’re confronted with Pink’s “Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self”. Now that’s original. Or schizo. Whatever you prefer. The producers obviously thought pompous piano and string arrangements always made for great, dramatic songs. Considering that a minute or so into the song I’m seriously waiting for the guitars in East 17’s “It’s Alright” to come in, I’d say they were seriously mistaken.

I think the next two are just bonus tracks for the UK version or something.

Does anyone remember the “Get The Party Started”-era Pink when she wasn’t embarrassed to admit she was a pop tart like all the others? Well, I do and those songs remind me of that a little. Simple dance-pop with a wicked edge. The first one, called “Fingers”, even reminds me of how Britney Spears’ “Toxic” might have sounded like with guitars during the chorus. I bet Pink would love this comparison. It’s dead on, though. (producer Max Martin even did songs for “artists” like Britneyand the Backstreet Boys so it’s not all that surprising) And the song’s not half-bad.

The other one is called “Centerfold” and is even more suited for the dance-floors than “Fingers”. Don’t get me wrong, while both these songs use some distorted guitar in the chorus this is hardly rock music. In case of the latter, think sampled guitars with a handicapped break-beat. It’s okay but a little repetitive.

The album closes with a hidden track. You gotta love those. They fill an entire album with trivial pop stuff and once you’re soundly asleep there comes a track snapping you out of your dreams after five minutes of silence. Pink explains that this song is about her father and that it’s actually a duet with him. Supposedly her father wrote this song back when he was in Vietnam and blah blah blah… like anybody really gave a fuck. Put all those interesting stories in your booklet so anybody but complete fanatics can ignore it, okay? The song itself is an acoustic guitar with daddy singing - you can barely hear Pink. It sucks. I think there’s a reason why daddy had to parade around with a gun instead of being a country star.

If you’re a Pink fan you’re going to buy this anyway, the casual listener a.k.a. MTV couch potato should check it out for the really good songs “Leave Me Alone” and “U and Ur Hand”. Definitely try to get the UK version with the bonus tracks.

I give this one a 3/5 because at least Pink’s making an effort to create something a little deeper than the usual MTV crap. I don’t think she succeeded, though.

I can’t help it: every time I hear Pink sing I get pissed that nobody makes her understand her music sucks ass and that she should get the fuck over herself and join a real rock band already. If she’s so cool and independent she should be able to live without the MTV fame for a while to create something real for a change. She has the pipes and she now has the financial means to do it. Put your money where your mouth is and stop being such a corporate whore.